Because it’s ok to be proud of yourself.
My husband Dan was the writer, he wrote beautifully and eloquently. I remember I used to write things like our Christmas letters because I had the time. In them I would say something like "we went to Crater Lake this summer it was cool" then I would give it to Dan to edit and he would turn that into a whole paragraph about the beauty and majesty of God’s creation and the love of our family. I said it was cool, that was the extent of my writing.
Then he died. Out of no where in the middle of the night he died. My soulmate, my true love, the man I was happily going spend the next 70 years with was gone. My life as over at 34. I didn’t know what to do. I did know I needed therapy, lots and lots of therapy.
Through therapy I discovered writing as a way to get my feelings out and thus sleep. So I started writing, or rather ranting about the thoughts in my head of Dan his death and grief. Friends and family read my writings and encouraged me to write a book. "That’s crazy! I’m not the writer in this family Dan is" and yet I kept writing. I had no idea how to write a book, but I started writing one anyway. Thinking no one at all would ever read it. I kept writing. 'This is ridiculous' I kept telling myself, nobody is going to read this, maybe my friends and family will buy it out of pity for the young widow.
My friends started reading rough drafts and thought it was great 'keep going' they said. 'you all have lost your ever loving minds and I have lost my ever loving mind even pretending this is a good idea.' I kept writing, it was this weird thing within me, I had to write, I couldn't stop myself. Then I did this really crazy thing I self published my book and started selling it. I thought if I sold 30 copies I would be amazed. It has been 9 months since it came out and I’ve sold 160 copies. It blew my mind and yet I was still told myself 'well those are friends or friends of friends or fellow widows.' They all gave me really great reviews on Amazon. I thought 'Those don’t count as real people, their not real critics.' Every so often I got a review from a complete stranger and I was totally amazed that someone I couldn’t identify read my book.
With more encouragement from friends I entered my book in several writing contests I haven’t heard back from most of them yet but I did hear back from one. They told me there was a 'clerical' error and my book wasn’t entered into the contest, but a judge still wrote a review for me. I received the review today. I was utterly shocked and amazed. For real I’m on cloud 9 an actual book critic who reads and judges books all the time wrote this:
Judge, 27th Annual Writer’s Digest Self-Published Book Awards.
Judge’s Commentary:
Powerful opening draws the reader into the story. Author has bravely provided a strong visual to grab us and super-charge our emotions, and thus we’re more attuned to the beautifully-shared details of the couple’s connection. We can see Dan light up when he would talk about Jenny. We can feel that safe feeling that dawns when Dan came home. Author demonstrates great strength in generously sharing with us the keys and gems of their relationship, which gives all the heart to their love story. Well done. Author creates great depth in the narrative. Dan’s early seizures were recounted to us with well-chosen degree of description. We get the feeling that this is as far as the author can go with those events, whether we’re correct or not. The facts of those seizures are handled smoothly, with a touch of disconnect seeming to be there. Excellent instincts. When you get the reader to assume a ‘creators mindset’ on what the author must have been thinking, you’ve created a truly experiential story. The stages of grief swirl around the author, a dance of coping and strength blooming. Author has done a nice job of creating setting and using sensory details to allow reader to be present and engaged. Dialogue shines throughout, and as such, pace is natural without any rushing or forcing. We’re taking in the story of a friend, in a relatable and friendly writing voice, engaged from page to page, hooked by excellent chapter transitions, and feeling a range of emotions from start to finish. Well done.
Well done Jennifer. I poured my broken soul into this book and you can tell. My boyfriend Justin always tells me “Jen you went through complete hell and you survived you should be so proud of yourself” and he’s right, even though I usually look at him and go 'eh' like it wasn’t a big deal, like watching Dan die and everything that happened after was something anyone could handle. I'm wrong though.
Maybe it’s because I was raised Catholic so I don’t know how to be proud of myself. Maybe it's because there is such a stigma stigma about boasting and bragging, after all nobody likes a person that is totally full of themselves. Maybe it’s because I’ve always said I had no choice. I just did what I had to do So Baby Girl and I could both survive. to me thats not strong or brave or courageous, it's just doing what must be done, and thats certainly nothing to brag about.
Today however i'm going to say "SCREW THAT" Today I'm going to be proud of myself. Today I am going to brag. I did an amazing thing in writing this book. I did an amazing thing in the wake of the greatest tragedy that ever came my way. I worked my ass of for Baby Girl and I. I hung onto a cliff by my fingernails, I carried 1,000's of pounds of grief on my back. I kept us together (with help from a million family and friends and trained professionals) but I did it.
I sent my mother in law the judges review and she wrote back "OMG!!!! This is so WONDERFUL!! I am SO proud of you!!! I know Dan is beaming in Heaven and also jealous that you got published before him. Good job!" Dan is proud of me, Dan has always been proud of me for everything I've done. If my dead husband can be proud of me then I can be proud of me too. At least for a day.
If you want to read my "criticly acclaimed" book you can buy a copy HERE
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