5x5

One of Dan's and mine favorite T.V. shows was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. In the show is a character named Faith. Faith is a complicated character, she had a hard life, she's never sure if she's on the good side or the bad side, she kills a lot of demons. Faith is also terrible at showing emotions.  I think sh'e learned to hide them from the world because she learned that the world doesn't really care.The only thing Faith really knows about herself is that she's 5x5. When asked 'how's it going Faith?' she replies, "5x5." When asked if she's ok after having the crap beat out of her by a monster she replies "5x5." Faith is always 5x5. Everything is always 5x5. No one knows what that means. They talk about it several times in the show "What does 5x5 even mean?" I don't think Joss Weadon the creator of the show ever gives us an answer. 

I took it to mean 'fine' like when someone asks you how your day is you could respond with 'fine' or '5x5'. When someone asks you how your feeling you can say 5x5. Most people won't know what it means and you can walk away while their giving you a puzzled look. Frankly as I'm writing this blog I can think of a million times when this phrase could have come in handy; like when I was going to the bathroom at my husbands funeral and someone followed me in there to ask "How are you doing really?" I should have said "5x5." That would have thrown her, Instead I said "I really have to pee" I hope that got my point across, you know that I really had to pee.

I had a doctors appointment last week. The same Dr I've had for years. She had meet my husband several times. About a month after he died I had an appointment with her. Telling her what happened was so hard I started having a panic attack and I fell over and she caught me in her arms and helped me to lay down. Since then I have felt she was always so sympathetic to my young widow plight. When I went to my appointment last week she asked me how I was doing in general. I replied with "Sunday will be 5 years since Dan died" She looked at me and said "O yeah, but you have that new man in your life now"  I sighed, she didn't get it after all. She wanted me to say "5x5" 

Everything's great, everything's lovely, lollipops and rainbows, my husbands dead, but thats ok cause I'm dating. I'm 5x5. Like one replaces the other. Like I shouldn't be sad that I haven't seen my soulmate in five years because I have a replacement for him. Don't get me wrong my boyfriend is wonderful and amazing and I love him, but he is not a replacement. People aren't cars you don't just get a new one when the old one dies. 

Sunday was the 5 year Anniversary of my husband Dan dying. For almost everyone the shock is over, the tragedy is over, they have all gone back to being 5x5. I think they thought I have gone back to being 5x5 too. Someday's I look it, I have pictures with huge smiles on my face. I told my boyfriend Justin that he must be getting sick of people saying to him "We're just so glad to see Jenny happy again." (he says hes not.) 5x5 right? 

5 hours ago someone asked me how my weekend was, I had to explain the significance of that particular weekend, I've had a hard time focusing the rest of the day. 5 days ago I cried for two hours because I couldn't face what this coming weekend meant. 5 months ago was my 20 year wedding anniversary. 15 months ago met Justin, who is one of the greatest people I have ever met.

5 years ago I called 911 asking for help, thinking the next day my husband would be annoyed with me "You didn't need to call 911 Jennifer, I'm fine, everything was fine, they help people that really need it, I was fine" 5x5. But he never said that, he never said anything. He died on our living room floor while I watched.

5 years or 50 years it doesn't matter. 5x5. No I'm not 5x5. I will never be 5x5.  

If you would like to read the book I wrote about my grief  here's the link