The conversation my kid didn’t have
On the bus ride home I was sitting in the seat with Baby Girl. Across the aisle was her friend Sally. Sally is a good school friend but has never been over to our house to play or vise versa. Sally is also new to the school this year. Behind Sally is Rhonda. Rhonda is just a girl in her grade, there not really friends. She's been around for awhile but she wasn't around the year daddy died.
On the bus and Rhonda asks Sally "Are your parents divorced?" Sally answers with an emphatic NO. Rhonda replies "O your so lucky" then Rhonda asks Baby Girl "are your parents divorced?" Baby Girl answers with a very emphatic NO and Rhonda replies "O your so lucky" O Rhonda.
Please note how I kept my mouth shut and this conversation play out between the three girls. I may or may not have been biting my lip to the point of bleeding.
Baby Girl and Sally exchanged wide eyed looks like "Did she really just say that?' It was obvious from the look that Sally was well aware Baby Girl's daddy was dead. I found that interesting because Sally is new to school and Baby Girl as we know is not prone to talking about her dead dad. Clearly Rhonda did not know this secret. She did however notice the exchange of wide eyed looks and said "why did you just look at each other like that?" baby Girl promptly answers "Like what? We didn't look at each other" Rhonda replied, "you did to! You gave each other these weird looks, what was that about." Baby Girl is an expert in avoidance on the topic of dead daddy. "we weren't giving each other any looks."
At this point the teacher interrupted with an announcement. A few minutes latter when the teacher was done Rhonda was not. "So what was that about. I asked you if your parents were divorced and you and Sally gave each other this really weird look?" baby Girl got a little defensive. "I did not. I don't know what your talking about, we were just looking at each other. I look at people, I look at Sally, I look at you, I look at my mom, I look at teacher." she says this as she gives each one of us very intent looks.
Sally comes to Baby Girls defense. "Ya Rhonda we were just looking, we didn't give any funny looks, I don't know what your talking about." Rhonda either got a clue or decided she wasn't going to win because she let the conversation drop.
Interesting huh, I wonder why Baby Girl didn't just say "No my daddy died" When Rhonda asked her if her parents were divorced. To me that seems like a much easier and direct answer, but of course what we all know about Baby Girl by now is that she doesn't talk about this subject. That raised another question for me though, Sally obviously knew Baby Girl's daddy was dead, Sally is new and not a best friend, I couldn't at all picture Baby Girl openly telling her this information. So I asked her.
"Hey Baby Girl, remember when we were coming home from the field trip the other day and Rhonda was asking you if your parents were divorced, why didn't you just tell her daddy died" "Cause I didn't want to" duh mommy, really sometimes her mommy asks the dumbest questions. "ok but you and sally were giving weird looks to each other what was that about.?" Baby Girl nonchalantly says "Ya Sally's mommy died when she was a baby, Sally has a step mommy now." well hmmmmm I didn't know that, it's interesting but I wasn't really asking that. "hmmmmm ok, but Sally knows daddy died right." "ya mommy Sally knows" I'm still confused because I know my kid. "But you didn't tell Sally daddy died?" "No Michelle or Alice must of told her" (those are her besties) that makes sense.
Of course Rhonda wasn't mean or anything she was just asking a question. She was just trying to make conversation on a boring bus ride. I wonder how many times Baby Girl has conversations like this in any given week, so I ask her, "do kids at school ask you about daddy a lot?" "no mommy, they all know, they were all there"
and dun dun dun Baby Girl changes the subject.
I'm not sure how much I believe her. I know in the beginning she got lots of questions and true to her nature she completely ignored them. Every time she was late for school because she had therapy, her friends would ask her where she was and she wouldn't tell them. She didn't want to talk about it. I could see sometimes when her friends had conversations about there dads how she would shy away, or change the subject, or leave the room. Her best friends learned not to talk about it with her.
I thought that had all calmed down, she is doing so well in school, even her anxiety is tons better, and after all she is right, the whole school knows, they were there. That's the thing, maybe it did calm down, but that doesn't mean it will go away, it can never go away because her daddy will always be dead. I still dread random conversations with people, take the grocery store for instance when the clerk says "hope your husband helps you unload these when you get home" what do you do with that, lie through your teeth and say "of course he will" or tell the truth and say "actually he's dead" for me it depends on the day, for baby girl she always likes the denial method. I don't blame her, sometimes it's easier, it's just a passing conversation. Thats all this was just a passing conversation from a little girl who didn't know any better. I gotta say though it does have me worried for next year when she will be in Jr. High and the majority of the school won't know any better.
Hwy if you want to here more about how baby Girl and I deal with this dead daddy business, you can buy my book. Here is the link.
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