Delayed
Well I finally did it. I crushed my daughters soul this morning. She now knows the awful awful truth. Her life will never ever be the same. In one fell swoop she found out the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, and even Tinker Bell aren't real. She will be twelve in a week and a half. Lots of people have told me she's long overdue for this knowledge, they may be right. I just didn't want to, I didn't want to crush her fragile little soul, again.
I remember when she was nine, she was playing with her best little friend and I was talking to the friends mom. I was talking about how I was going to cut Baby Girls hair cause I could just not stand the fight of brushing her hair every morning. "Dan always used to brush her hair, she thinks he does it better then me, I hate brushing her hair." The mom replied, "You still brush her hair for her? Mines been brushing her own hair since she was about seven." Thats when it occurred to me that my kid should be brushing her own hair and thats when it dawned on me why she was not. We were busy at seven. We were doing way bigger things then learning how to brush hair when Baby Girl was seven. We were learning how to breathe everyday without daddy, we were learning how to keep it together, at least through school. Her soul was crushed into a million pieces, we had other things to do than learn to brush hair.
In many ways Baby Girl is emotionally and socially delayed about two years. When trauma happens you tend to get stuck in that emotional state for awhile. She matured but slower then her peers, behind. She wasn't going to sleepovers, she was too afraid to leave mommy. She hung on to dolls and dress up and fairy tells longer then her friends. Some of her friends have started liking boys and she doesn't play them them anymore because boys are still 'gross and stinky' Simple things like brushing your hair, and learning how to get your own snack and starting to stay home alone where just not on our list, we couldn't do them.
At the same time though she is way more wise then any child her age. She can relate to Harry Potter better then anyone at her school. She's been to her daddy's funeral, nobody else can relate to that.
Thus magical creatures that bring you presents in the middle of the night and the truth of there existence was not something we worried about. I knew it was only a matter of time, but I wanted her to have as much magic as she could for as long as she could. This year she seemed to be suspecting something was up and asked questions, I was able to causally avoid answers with questions like "well what do you think" and "everybody believes different things"
Mom fail: The Easter bunny bought to much stuff to fit in Baby Girls basket, she put the leftovers on her desk and forgot about them. Baby Girl looked at my desk this morning. I found her under her blankets with tears coming out of her eyes because she was calling for me. "Mommy why is the same stuff the Easter Bunny brought me on your desk?" Sigh here it is....."Mommy bought them" she cries loudly and hides her head under her blankets again. "I think you might have had an idea Baby Girl." she just cries more. Then she throws the blankets off her, "wait mommy, does that mean the Tooth Fairy? Santa Clause? Tinker Bell? Nothing is real?" ummmmmmmmmmmmmm welllllllllllllllllllll ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. "the magic of it is real." she rolled her eyes at me like that was a lame answer like she wanted me to say 'no no no no thats not what it means there real, the easter bunny is real, she must have forgot those toys when she went to the next house ya ya thats it'
oh also school starts in like twenty minutes
"Wait mom so what did you do with all my teeth?"
"I have them"
"Thats gross mom"
"Well I didn't know what to do with them. I put a little note with each one saying when and where you lost it and I kept all the letters you wrote to the tooth fairy"
"Can I see them?" I get the box down with all her teeth and hand it to her. shes amazed that she's never seen it before and I tell her I'm good at hiding stuff. She rolls her eyes, cause clearly I'm not or we wouldn't be having this conversation. She opens every single one and reads it, throwing the letters she wrote the tooth fairy onto the ground. "Daddy helped you write that one cause you were little still." I tell her when I see Dan's handwriting.
"Ok Baby Girl we have to get going your already late for school" she bursts into tears "I'm not going to school today" she goes in my room and climbs in my bed "I'm never going to school again, I'm staying in bed forever." Part of me thinks thats totally legit, the mom in me knows I have to make her go to school, but we will be late.
I crawl under the covers with her and turn off the light. we just lay there, Baby Girl sniffling tears. If theres one thing I learned it's that when your hit with tragedy and theres nothing to say you can just sit with that person. This was a tragedy, not only for Baby Girl but for me, I don't want the magic in her to die. After awhile I say "I wish daddy were here, he always knew what to say" Baby Girl answers defiantly "If daddy were here he wouldn't have told me and we wouldn't be having this conversation." This is where that whole delayed thing comes in, I say "actually I think if daddy were here we would have had this conversation with him a long time ago."
We lay in bed until we decide we are hungry. Breakfast comes with lots of hugs and snuggles, Baby Girl says "I love you mommy" as she reaches out for a hug. I hug her and she bops my nose. We both giggle. "I love you more then anything Baby Girl, time to get ready for school" we were only an hour late.
Want to here more about our grief... I wrote a whole book about it. You can buy it on amazon. Click here
Easter 2012
I remember when she was nine, she was playing with her best little friend and I was talking to the friends mom. I was talking about how I was going to cut Baby Girls hair cause I could just not stand the fight of brushing her hair every morning. "Dan always used to brush her hair, she thinks he does it better then me, I hate brushing her hair." The mom replied, "You still brush her hair for her? Mines been brushing her own hair since she was about seven." Thats when it occurred to me that my kid should be brushing her own hair and thats when it dawned on me why she was not. We were busy at seven. We were doing way bigger things then learning how to brush hair when Baby Girl was seven. We were learning how to breathe everyday without daddy, we were learning how to keep it together, at least through school. Her soul was crushed into a million pieces, we had other things to do than learn to brush hair.
In many ways Baby Girl is emotionally and socially delayed about two years. When trauma happens you tend to get stuck in that emotional state for awhile. She matured but slower then her peers, behind. She wasn't going to sleepovers, she was too afraid to leave mommy. She hung on to dolls and dress up and fairy tells longer then her friends. Some of her friends have started liking boys and she doesn't play them them anymore because boys are still 'gross and stinky' Simple things like brushing your hair, and learning how to get your own snack and starting to stay home alone where just not on our list, we couldn't do them.
At the same time though she is way more wise then any child her age. She can relate to Harry Potter better then anyone at her school. She's been to her daddy's funeral, nobody else can relate to that.
Thus magical creatures that bring you presents in the middle of the night and the truth of there existence was not something we worried about. I knew it was only a matter of time, but I wanted her to have as much magic as she could for as long as she could. This year she seemed to be suspecting something was up and asked questions, I was able to causally avoid answers with questions like "well what do you think" and "everybody believes different things"
Mom fail: The Easter bunny bought to much stuff to fit in Baby Girls basket, she put the leftovers on her desk and forgot about them. Baby Girl looked at my desk this morning. I found her under her blankets with tears coming out of her eyes because she was calling for me. "Mommy why is the same stuff the Easter Bunny brought me on your desk?" Sigh here it is....."Mommy bought them" she cries loudly and hides her head under her blankets again. "I think you might have had an idea Baby Girl." she just cries more. Then she throws the blankets off her, "wait mommy, does that mean the Tooth Fairy? Santa Clause? Tinker Bell? Nothing is real?" ummmmmmmmmmmmmm welllllllllllllllllllll ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. "the magic of it is real." she rolled her eyes at me like that was a lame answer like she wanted me to say 'no no no no thats not what it means there real, the easter bunny is real, she must have forgot those toys when she went to the next house ya ya thats it'
oh also school starts in like twenty minutes
"Wait mom so what did you do with all my teeth?"
"I have them"
"Thats gross mom"
"Well I didn't know what to do with them. I put a little note with each one saying when and where you lost it and I kept all the letters you wrote to the tooth fairy"
"Can I see them?" I get the box down with all her teeth and hand it to her. shes amazed that she's never seen it before and I tell her I'm good at hiding stuff. She rolls her eyes, cause clearly I'm not or we wouldn't be having this conversation. She opens every single one and reads it, throwing the letters she wrote the tooth fairy onto the ground. "Daddy helped you write that one cause you were little still." I tell her when I see Dan's handwriting.
"Ok Baby Girl we have to get going your already late for school" she bursts into tears "I'm not going to school today" she goes in my room and climbs in my bed "I'm never going to school again, I'm staying in bed forever." Part of me thinks thats totally legit, the mom in me knows I have to make her go to school, but we will be late.
I crawl under the covers with her and turn off the light. we just lay there, Baby Girl sniffling tears. If theres one thing I learned it's that when your hit with tragedy and theres nothing to say you can just sit with that person. This was a tragedy, not only for Baby Girl but for me, I don't want the magic in her to die. After awhile I say "I wish daddy were here, he always knew what to say" Baby Girl answers defiantly "If daddy were here he wouldn't have told me and we wouldn't be having this conversation." This is where that whole delayed thing comes in, I say "actually I think if daddy were here we would have had this conversation with him a long time ago."
We lay in bed until we decide we are hungry. Breakfast comes with lots of hugs and snuggles, Baby Girl says "I love you mommy" as she reaches out for a hug. I hug her and she bops my nose. We both giggle. "I love you more then anything Baby Girl, time to get ready for school" we were only an hour late.
Want to here more about our grief... I wrote a whole book about it. You can buy it on amazon. Click here
Easter 2012
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