Birthday expectations
If you have read this blog like ever then you know my husband Dan died January 12, 2015. If you've never read this blog then you know now. What you may not know is my birthday is in April, April 16th, hey that was just a few days ago.
Dan was great at birthdays and holidays. In other words he spoiled me rotten. I loved it. Now I want to run away.
Four months after Dan died, I couldn't really function, I guess I was functioning but I don't really remember anything. I did know one thing though, I did not want to be here on my birthday. I did not want to have a birthday without Dan. I didn't want to face the day without him. I didn't want pity and sympathy from friends and family because he wasn't here. I most defiantly didn't want them to try and make up for him not being here by going overboard on my birthday.
So I made up for it myself, I planned a trip for my sister, Baby Girl, and I to go to Disneyland. Yay Disneyland, everyone's happy in Disneyland right? Well it was kinda true, Disneyland was great but not even it can take away grief. I ended up having a giant panic attack while eating dinner in a restaurant on my birthday, which in turn caused baby Girl to have a panic attack. thus we both walked back to the hotel crying leaving my sister to clean up the mess and pay the bill. See thats why I brought her with me, that was good planning. It was however a successful trip in avoiding my birthday at home.
Disneyland worked out so well I decided to run away again the next year for my birthday. Again I didn't want people trying to overcompensate for lack of Dan. My dad, two sisters, Baby Girl and I went to the Redwoods. I remember having a great time. I don't remember having a panic attack but its likely both Baby Girl and I did because thats what we did. What I remember most about that trip is standing in the middle of the Redwoods, which looked like they stretched all the way up to heaven itself and wishing Dan were there with me. Thinking how much he would have loved it and how he would have tried to convince me to build a cabin in the Redwoods and stay there forever, If I had known we had such limited time I would have said yes. I regretted that Dan and I never made it to the redwoods together, it was on our to do list.
Last year I couldn't afford to run away cause I had bought a house. So instead my therapist and friends suggested I throw myself a big party to start having happy memories in our new home. Ok, so thats what I did, I had a big party, lots of friends and family came over. True to form baby Girl had a grief tantrum because thats what she does on holidays. I was very depressed the next day as is true to my form, make it through the holiday and then breakdown later. But it wasn't a bad birthday as I remember it.
I just had my birthday the other day. We didn't really do anything. I didn't want to. I wanted low key, dinner with my family and dinner with my boyfriend Justin and Baby Girl. I thought it would be fine, I thought I could handle it, it's been four years, things are going great in the boyfriend department. I didn't need to run away, I still expected I would miss Dan but no more then I did any other day. Time to get back to normal birthday traditions!
What am I new here? I've lived in the grief world for four years I should know there is no going back to normal. It will never be normal again. I wrote to my widow group the day after my birthday. "Lesson learned, having a boyfriend on your birthday doesn't change the fact that you still have a dead husband on your birthday." Justin was great, he's wonderful, he made me dinner and brought me flowers. Thats what I wanted. The three of us watched a movie that I got to pick because it was my birthday. My friends asked what I was doing during the day. My response was taking the longest bath possible and watching tv, thats all I want to do today.
Yet all day long I had this great sense of loss? Longing? Loneliness? I just felt off. Baby Girl came home from school and immediately ran to the neighbors to play. Justin came over after work and started making dinner. I was glad to see him, to not feel so alone. Baby Girl came home from her friends and almost immediately went into a giant grief tantrum, which are so rare these days I think the last one was around Christmas. Well it's a holiday, I should have known, I should have been expecting it, but I wasn't. Justin had heard of her grief tantrums but had never witnessed them so that was a new experience for him. By the time we started the movie (which turned out to be not that great) I think we all would have rather been in bed.
The next day I spent in a grief fog. I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't think, I couldn't manage to get anything done. I called Justin several times crying and I couldn't even say why I just couldn't stop crying. "breathe Jen, just breathe" he tells me that a lot, it's ironic because it's exactly what Dan would have done.
I missed Dan, I'm mad at him for missing my birthday again. I just wanted him to say "happy birthday Jennifer." To give me a hug, to bring me a mint mocha, which he hated but I loved. I wanted him to smile his goofy smile at me. I wanted him and Baby girl to be up to something to surprise me. I just wanted to see my husband on my birthday, it doesn't sound like to much to ask but it is. maybe next year I will go back to running away.
Hey guys want to hear more about my grief story? I wrote a book, you can buy it on Amazon Click here to go to the Amazon Link
Dan was great at birthdays and holidays. In other words he spoiled me rotten. I loved it. Now I want to run away.
Four months after Dan died, I couldn't really function, I guess I was functioning but I don't really remember anything. I did know one thing though, I did not want to be here on my birthday. I did not want to have a birthday without Dan. I didn't want to face the day without him. I didn't want pity and sympathy from friends and family because he wasn't here. I most defiantly didn't want them to try and make up for him not being here by going overboard on my birthday.
So I made up for it myself, I planned a trip for my sister, Baby Girl, and I to go to Disneyland. Yay Disneyland, everyone's happy in Disneyland right? Well it was kinda true, Disneyland was great but not even it can take away grief. I ended up having a giant panic attack while eating dinner in a restaurant on my birthday, which in turn caused baby Girl to have a panic attack. thus we both walked back to the hotel crying leaving my sister to clean up the mess and pay the bill. See thats why I brought her with me, that was good planning. It was however a successful trip in avoiding my birthday at home.
Disneyland worked out so well I decided to run away again the next year for my birthday. Again I didn't want people trying to overcompensate for lack of Dan. My dad, two sisters, Baby Girl and I went to the Redwoods. I remember having a great time. I don't remember having a panic attack but its likely both Baby Girl and I did because thats what we did. What I remember most about that trip is standing in the middle of the Redwoods, which looked like they stretched all the way up to heaven itself and wishing Dan were there with me. Thinking how much he would have loved it and how he would have tried to convince me to build a cabin in the Redwoods and stay there forever, If I had known we had such limited time I would have said yes. I regretted that Dan and I never made it to the redwoods together, it was on our to do list.
Last year I couldn't afford to run away cause I had bought a house. So instead my therapist and friends suggested I throw myself a big party to start having happy memories in our new home. Ok, so thats what I did, I had a big party, lots of friends and family came over. True to form baby Girl had a grief tantrum because thats what she does on holidays. I was very depressed the next day as is true to my form, make it through the holiday and then breakdown later. But it wasn't a bad birthday as I remember it.
I just had my birthday the other day. We didn't really do anything. I didn't want to. I wanted low key, dinner with my family and dinner with my boyfriend Justin and Baby Girl. I thought it would be fine, I thought I could handle it, it's been four years, things are going great in the boyfriend department. I didn't need to run away, I still expected I would miss Dan but no more then I did any other day. Time to get back to normal birthday traditions!
What am I new here? I've lived in the grief world for four years I should know there is no going back to normal. It will never be normal again. I wrote to my widow group the day after my birthday. "Lesson learned, having a boyfriend on your birthday doesn't change the fact that you still have a dead husband on your birthday." Justin was great, he's wonderful, he made me dinner and brought me flowers. Thats what I wanted. The three of us watched a movie that I got to pick because it was my birthday. My friends asked what I was doing during the day. My response was taking the longest bath possible and watching tv, thats all I want to do today.
Yet all day long I had this great sense of loss? Longing? Loneliness? I just felt off. Baby Girl came home from school and immediately ran to the neighbors to play. Justin came over after work and started making dinner. I was glad to see him, to not feel so alone. Baby Girl came home from her friends and almost immediately went into a giant grief tantrum, which are so rare these days I think the last one was around Christmas. Well it's a holiday, I should have known, I should have been expecting it, but I wasn't. Justin had heard of her grief tantrums but had never witnessed them so that was a new experience for him. By the time we started the movie (which turned out to be not that great) I think we all would have rather been in bed.
The next day I spent in a grief fog. I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't think, I couldn't manage to get anything done. I called Justin several times crying and I couldn't even say why I just couldn't stop crying. "breathe Jen, just breathe" he tells me that a lot, it's ironic because it's exactly what Dan would have done.
I missed Dan, I'm mad at him for missing my birthday again. I just wanted him to say "happy birthday Jennifer." To give me a hug, to bring me a mint mocha, which he hated but I loved. I wanted him to smile his goofy smile at me. I wanted him and Baby girl to be up to something to surprise me. I just wanted to see my husband on my birthday, it doesn't sound like to much to ask but it is. maybe next year I will go back to running away.
Hey guys want to hear more about my grief story? I wrote a book, you can buy it on Amazon Click here to go to the Amazon Link
Sweetie
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday dear widow buddy who will always miss Dan because he was a super chap and he died way too young and life is hard even with another super chap. It just stays hard and you will always miss Dan.