Carry on Castle: Living with Grief

Well I finally did it. I crushed my daughters soul this morning. She now knows the awful awful truth. Her life will never ever be the same. In one fell swoop she found out the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, and even Tinker Bell aren't real. She will be twelve in a week and a half. Lots of people have told me she's long overdue for this knowledge, they may be right. I just didn't want to, I didn't want to crush her fragile little soul, again. I remember when she was nine, she was playing with her best little friend and I was talking to the friends mom. I was talking about how I was going to cut Baby Girls hair cause I could just not stand the fight of brushing her hair every morning. "Dan always used to brush her hair, she thinks he does it better then me, I hate brushing her hair." The mom replied, "You still brush her hair for her? Mines been brushing her own hair since she was about seven."  Thats when it occurred to me that my kid shou...

If you have read this blog like ever then you know my husband Dan died January 12, 2015. If you've never read this blog then you know now.  What you may not know is my birthday is in April, April 16th, hey that was just a few days ago. Dan was great at birthdays and holidays. In other words he spoiled me rotten. I loved it. Now I want to run away. Four months after Dan died, I couldn't really function, I guess I was functioning but I don't really remember anything. I did know one thing though, I did not want to be here on my birthday. I did not want to have a birthday without Dan. I didn't want to face the day without him. I didn't want pity and sympathy from friends and family because he wasn't here. I most defiantly didn't want them to try and make up for him not being here by going overboard on my birthday. So I made up for it myself, I planned a trip for my sister, Baby Girl, and I to go to Disneyland. Yay Disneyland, everyone's happy in Disney...

I may have said this a million times (actually I'm pretty sure I have). Dan was the writer in this family.  You know that line from the musical Hamilton "why do you write like your running out of time? Write day and night like your running out of time?" That was Dan. He was always writing something, pieces of children's books, counseling essays, theological essays, poems, school papers, work papers. You name it Dan wrote it.  As a result we had papers scattered all over our house, not only because he wrote them but because he collected other peoples writing. Anything he could get his hands on about anything he was interested in, which was practically everything, the exception being computers and cars, he didn't care about those.  We had over 2,000 books in our house, an actual library room. Piles and piles of papers; things he brought home from classes and work shops, fellow students papers, stuff he found on the internet that he printed off so he wouldn't ...