It's just a little cold.

                                                   Me laying on the couch with morning sickness when I was pregnant

There was no school today. We had big plans to drive to the coast with Justin and his kids and go the aquarium. We didn't do that. We sat, and we sat, and we sat some more. We did the exact same thing yesterday. Well I suppose technically I sat and Baby Girl laid down. She caught herself one nasty cold Saturday night and has been down ever since. So she watched her favorite TV shows that we've both seen a thousand times and I sat. I sat with her, I sat next to her, I got her food, I got her medicine.

Several times she said "I'm sorry I got sick mommy" and "I don't want you to catch my sick bugs mommy" I don't really know where she gets that from, I've never gotten mad at her for getting sick, it certainly isn't her fault. I think maybe it's just innate, everyone feels bad when their sick, feels bad that they are bothering the other person. Tonight I made her take a warm bath "It will help you feel better I promise" she responded with "You just want me to get better so you don't have to take care of me every second of every day."  "No no no Baby Girl, I want you to feel better because I don't want you to feel sick, because your my Baby Girl and I want you to feel good." What I said was absolutely true, but what she said had some truth in it to.

Of course I don't want to take care of her every single second of every day. No one wants to do that, that sucks. Nobody likes taking care of sick people, we do it because we love them. Another thought crossed my mind when she said that "well thats nothing new" I always take care of her every single second of every single day. At least I have for the last four years, ever since her daddy died. Now I have amazing family that help a lot, they babysit and give me breaks, have her spend the night, there great at that. She goes to school, she has a great school. In the end though, it's all on me.

When shes up at 3 in the morning coughing and her nose won't stop running its all me.  When Dan fist died and stuff like this came up I would curse at hmm under my breath. "Dammit Dan where are you, your kid is sick," it's 3 am, she needs medicine but shes doesn't want me to leave her to go in the bathroom and get it. 'This is why I have a partner, this is why we got married and had kids TOGETHER. we are supposed to be doing this TOGETHER." but nope it's all on me now. I don't cuss at him under my breathe as much as I used to. I still do it in my head quite regularly. Maybe I've gotten used to being the only one to do everything, maybe I released he's not coming back so it doesn't matter what I say. Maybe I'm just to tired.

Tonight I tried to get her to bed early, I was still holding out hope she would feel better enough for school tomorrow.  She climbed into my bed (shes sick so she needs to sleep with mommy). I had to go get the pillows we moved into the living room for our all day camp out on the couch. Then I had to catch fuzzy number 1. Then I had to catch fuzzy number 2. because they both needed to sleep with us also. Then I had to put the oils from auntie in the diffuse to help her breathe better. Then I had to put water in it so it would work. Then I put some oil on Baby Girls back even though she didn't want it on her back and she didn't care that auntie said it would help her feel better. As I was doing this I noticed quite an unpleasant smell and discovered that a cat had left us a present earlier in the day. So I had to clean that up. I had to give Baby Girl a commentary on what I was doing every time I stepped out of the room because she doesn't feel good and is clingy. Also she is my daughter who has had anxiety ever since her dad died and asks me what I'm doing every time I walk out of the room even when shes not sick. Being sick just makes it that much funner. Then I have to turn the humidifier on at an attempt to help her breathe better. Based on the amount of water still in the tank I determined that nothing happened when I turned it on the night before something must be wrong. So I have to investigate that. Hey did you know your only supposed to use distilled water with those things. Did you know if you don't they get built up with minerals and don't work. I should send her dad out for distilled water, were getting low on cough medicine anyway so he can pick up some of that too. O wait thats just not going to happen, we won't go no matter how nicely I ask him or how much I plead with him, he will not go get his daughter medicine. Funny he used to do that all the time, or stay home with her while I ran to the store, but he just won't do anything anymore. so instead I pick the built up stuff off with a sharp knife until i think iv'e done enough damage to make it work. In the midst of all this I left the bedroom door open and fuzzy 1 and 2 have escaped so I need to go catch them again. Also there were many "mommy I don't feel good" "mommy are you done yet" mommy i'm tired" "mommy my ears are all plugged" "mommy my nose won't stop running.
' and me "I know baby your sick." "I'm trying to hurry baby, mommy is going as fast as she can" "I'm so sorry you don't feel good baby."

Finally we get settled into bed. an hour later then her normal bedtime, so much for going to bed early. She can't sleep because her nose is all stuffy. I can't sleep because I'm mad at Dan. Baby Girl has a little cold, we've sat on the couch for two days. I'm exhausted and I don't want to do this by myself. I'm mad at Dan for not helping me out with this. I miss Dan.

I wrote a book about my grief. To read it click here: Carry on Castle