National Widows Day

Yup they actually have that apparently. That's ok I didn't know either until someone told me. May 3rd is National Widows day. What do you think of when you think of a widow? I can tell you exactly who I thought of when I heard the word widow just over three years ago.  My grandpa was a widow, my grandma died of cancer when she was in her late 60's. My other grandma is a widow, her husband died from old age when he was 90.  There are several old ladies at church who are widows, they totter around with canes and gray hair. They tell stories about their spouses who 'have passed' and know it wont be too much longer till they see them again.

Then there is that one, that one tragic tragic story, you only know of one because it is so rare. Likely it is a friend of a friend of a friend, someone you can't possibly personally know, because stuff like that happens to 'those people over there.'  You've heard this widow thing can happen to young people, people your age even, people with young kids like you. A tragic tale of cancer in someone way too young, or an accident nobody could predict. You say something like "o that is so awful, that poor lady (or man) I could never do anything like that." Then everyone sighs with pity and thanks God its not them or anyone they know.

O crap it's me, were talking about me.

I am too young to be a widow. I know that, yet here I am, that one tragic story.  Here is something I discovered in the last three years There are literally thousands of us that qualify as 'too young to be a widow' My online widow groups have thousands of members, all whose spouses died to young. Thousands of people looking for others like them because now you don't fit into the young families group, and you don't fit into the singles group, and you certainly don't fit into the old widows group.

The widow groups I'm part of is mostly people in their 30's or 40's with a few more on either side of that age range.  A bunch of us have young kids, a bunch of us didn't get to make it that far before our loved ones died. Like me, many of us prefer to say 'my spouse died' rather then passed away, I think it's part a generational thing and part a F no we are not gonna stand for this they did not pass peacefully away they died and they should't have. At least thats why I do it.  We are the anomaly, we do not fit into the widow stereo type of gray hair and canes. We don't get an understanding nod when we say our spouse passed away, we get a look of shock and before they even know what their doing they blurt out something like "But your too young to be a widow" yup I'm aware.

One of my widow groups is planning a widow trip to Vegas. That seems like a weird place for a bunch of old ladies with canes and gray hair to want to hang out. I mean there probably are some of those in Vegas, but it's not typically what I think of . Yup were not those kind of widows. We wanted to all get together in person and share stories and share laughs and have some fun because this young widow thing is not nearly as great as it sounds. I had dinner with my inlaws and my dad last night. I told them I was thinking about going to Vegas, trying to scope out reactions and child care options. I told them why "one of my widow groups is having a little retreat thing there." All three of them said immediately "you should go, that would be really good for you!"  I have nothing less then the most supportive family in the world but even I was a little surprised at them telling me to go to Vegas for the weekend. I've never been to Vegas, I'm excited.

So how does one celebrate National widows day? Shake a widows hand and say "thank you for your service" nope that doesn't fit. Have some kind of a walk or jog for their cause? Well you could but most causes already have that on another day. Say "I'm thinking about you over facebook" Ya thats nice but lets get real, it's pretty generic. Bring them flowers, actually I would love some pretty flowers so go right ahead.

As a young widow on National widows day here are some suggestions of how I would love you too acknowledge today (ok yesterday because psh, I don't get anything done on time anymore).

1) Give them a freaking break, if there late to something, or forgot to do something, or were too tired to do something, it's ok, just let it go, those things are a huge struggle, being in the world is a huge struggle.

2) If they have kids offer to babysit, so they can go do something, better yet find them a baby sitter and go do something with them, going to a movie alone isn't all it's cracked up to be.

3) Help them out, do the dishes or make dinner, or mow the lawn. Ya they can do those things by themselves but they also have to do all those things by themselves, it's nice to not have to every once in awhile.

4) This one is the most important: if you do nothing else do this, and do this often. Acknowledge my dead spouse. Tell me something about him. Tell me that you still think of him, that you haven't forgotten him. Let me know that I am not the only one keeping his memory alive. Tell me a funny or sentimental story about him. Say their name in a sentence. My spouses name is Dan, he was the most amazing person I have ever meet in my life, he wanted to save the world from itself. He valued everyone as a human being and showed them that. He treated me like I was a queen. He was the best father I have ever seen. He could talk in rhyme. He made up songs on the spot. He had the wittiest comebacks. He had amazing blue eyes. I miss Dan with my entire being. Please tell me that you miss him to.

That is what you should do for someone on National Widows Day.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle