20 years later


   Dan and I in high school

I feel like I haven't written in 20 years.  Spring has come and I have actually been enjoying time outside. Add to that birthday parties and trips and it doesn't leave any time for writing.  Then the weirdest thing has been happening to me lately, I have been sleeping. Sleeping like a normal person. It is taking away serious writing time because thats when I write, thats why I started writing because I couldn't sleep. I think most of the last month I have slept a straight seven hours, haven't done that in three years, so its different. I also found that I miss my writing. I am going to have to find a way to incorporate writing time into daylight hours, what a challenge.

I did something else that was 20 years later last night. I went to a party. It was a retirement party for my favorite teacher. Despite my insistence that I graduated high school like 10 years ago it was actually 20 exactly. The party in itself was awesome, it was a giant hodge podge of people I haven't seen in 20 years. Some of them looked exactly the same, some of them were so changed I couldn't recognize them and they had to tell me who they were.  Some were changed but I still recognized them. I think I fall into that category, different but the same.

Conversations at parties like this can be awkward. "How are you doing Jenny?"  hmmmmm, do you want the cliff notes or the long version.  Do I talk about Dan? I don't really know how to not talk about Dan. Do they even know my husband died? I'm not friends on facebook with everyone. That's a way to kill a reunion party I bet.

I recognized an old friend, one of my best friends in high school but even in this day and age we lost touch (his fault, he doesn't do facebook.) He did know Dan had died, actually I was kinda surprised he didn't come to the funeral now that I think about it.  I gave him a big hug, just like old times, we talked and laughed just like old times.

I saw another friend, didn't recognize him at all, but everyone else was hugging him so I did too. When he told me his name I instantly remembered him. He said "How have you been?" I paused, I had to think, I was pretty sure he wouldn't have heard Dan died. I nodded "well you know it's been pretty rough the last few years but I'm doing better." He looked at me, he clearly had no idea what I was talking about. "O you didn't know, my husband died three years ago." And shock and dismay washed over his face as he gave me a hug and condolences.

With me in all things was one of my besties. I went over and put my head on her shoulder. "Dan is stupid." she said first. She knows me so well, I was thinking the exact same thing. Dan should be here, Dan should be hanging in the background behind me, feeling out of place because these people weren't his group of friends, they were my group of friends. In a way (well and literally) we were back in high school and Dan should have been by my side, thats what we did.

I sat between my bestie and my old friend.  I could feel the tightness in my chest and and I looked up at the ceiling, I see people do that to hold back tears, sometimes it works. My bestie grabbed my hand, I took a really deep breathe. "I am so mad at Dan for not being here tonight, I wasn't expecting this. this wasn't his thing but he should still be here, I didn't think I would be mad at him tonight." My bestie just looked at me "I knew you would honey, all these people and memories had Dan in them. Of course you miss him tonight..... Plus he's a giant jerk face."  "Ya he is" We both started to laugh. My old friend who was sitting on the other side of me, the one I haven't seen since literally the day of our wedding (which he was an usher in) looked at us. I said "So here's the thing, I'm a little bit mad at Dan for this whole dying thing so I yell and cuss at him a lot." He just looked at me and said "Well of course you do, your Jenny, I know you, I would expect nothing else from you." That made me feel better, he remembered me, he remembered Dan, he remembered what we were to each other.

I gave a little speech to my retiring teacher, I talked about a play I had worked backstage on. That particular play Dan and I had started dating like the week before, if that. He came to the play in hopes he would get a glimpse of me. It turned out that night I was being an usher so I got to sit in the back and hold Dans hand as the play went on. I remember that about that play, I didn't say it in my speech, but I remembered it. Instead I talked about painting the set. I looked out into the crowd, looking for Dans face in the back, it would be smiling at me remembering that memory with me. encouragement as I continued my speech. 

He wasn't there, he died three years ago. Only I have that memory now, that memory of the two of us. That's why I write, I don't want to be the only holder of our great memories. I missed him last night. I miss him always.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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