I hate anxiety

Today is the 12. That means it has been three years and three months since Dan died. I tell everyone on FB what today was. I think thats the first time I haven't. I guess I figured if you don't know by now your not paying attention.

I pretty much dread the 12th of every month. It just hurts, I can't focus, Nothing goes right, I'm tired, lethargic, just blah. Recently it has been getting better as in nothing terrible happened that day I just spilled coffee all over myself which lets face it I could easily do on any given day. The 12 was slowly starting to blend in with the rest of the days of the month. I could handle it finally, it only took three years.

Then there is Baby Girl. Baby Girl had largely stuffed her emotions inside for the first two years that her daddy was dead. They came out in sudden bursts of anger and grief tantrums. Just this last year she has been starting to deal with her emotions and been semi willing to talk about daddy.  Last month on the 12 Baby girl had an anxiety attack. It was a Monday and she didn't want to go to school. Except it was more then that, she couldn't go to school, she couldn't leave mommy, she wouldn't leave mommy.  I blamed most of it on the fact that we had a very busty weekend and she didn't really get to see mommy.  Added in, it was the 12 and it did affect her even if she didn't know it and I knew it affected me and I had no fight in me that day. So  let her stay home from school and we cuddled on the couch all day and watched tv. It was good for both of us.

Today is the 12th, today is a Monday and daylight savings time did not help any. Baby Girl got up and immediately said she didn't feel good, her tummy hurt. This is her go to explanation when she has anxiety, her tummy hurts. Most days I say "I know." "You will feel better when you've eaten breakfast." That usually works, now three years later, I can usually talk her anxiety down and get her to school. It did not work today, "No mommy you don't know, it really really hurts, I can't go to school today. I need mommy." I try to convince her she will be fine at school today, I even tell her after school we can go do something fun. Honestly I think it's just making things worse. She starts breathing fast and shallow, her reasoning abilities have fallen off the cliff "I can't mommy, I can't, I can't go to school today, I can't leave mommy." She is crying, this isn't she doesn't feel like going to school, this is she can't go to school.

 I need to calm her down, thats my number one goal. Taking deep breaths is what you are supposed to do to help yourself calm down. Have you ever told that to a child? Cause it's not as easy as it sounds. When I tell my child to take deep breathes I usually get a yell of "NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO" and she just panics more. Her therapist, who is awesome, told me once, not to ask her to do it but just start doing it yourself. If she is in my lap or beside me she will feel my deep calming breathes and start coping them.  That does work better but it is still not easy.  I pull her onto my lap "ok ok, you know what lets not worry about school right now, lets just snuggle for a little while and then see how we feel. Every few minutes she cries "I can't leave mommy today" It's like shes afraid something will happen to mommy if she leaves, it's like shes afraid mommy will die. 

I decide it's not worth it today.  "ok Baby Girl, how about you stay home with me today and we will have a mommy daughter day." A wave of relief washes across her face and she gives me a huge hug. What did I just teach my daughter? That if you cry hard enough you will get to stay home from school? Or that life is hard, and for a 10 year old with a dead dad it's really hard. That sometimes it's ok to 'not want to adult'? That sometimes you need your mommy to show you she's not going to die too. (hopefully)

My therapist friend told me once that it is sort of a rule that only one family member falls apart at a time. Once one is doing better, the other one feels like they don't have to keep it together anymore. I have been falling apart for three years, I just now feel like I am kinda keeping it together. I had my house painted this weekend. Over a year ago I bought the ugliest house in existence. I have been trying to get it painted ever since. I sat on my neighbor's porch tonight and admired my beautiful house. It made me really happy. Today was the 12 and I was really genuinely almost giddy happy. I am not falling apart on the 12th anymore. I guess that means it's Baby Girls turn.

I put Baby Girl to bed tonight. She has been sleeping in her own bed for about a week now which is another huge accomplishment. She gave me kisses and smiled and said "I had a really fun day with you mommy, I'm so glad I stayed home, I love you so much mommy." She was in a really good mood so I took my chances. "I wonder if you didn't want to leave mommy today because you were missing daddy?" she gave me a curious look and said "I didn't feel like I was missing daddy?" yes I know so I tried to explain so she might understand. "Yes but sometimes our bodies remember things that our brains don't. like our bodies are missing daddy and it makes our tummy hurt but our brain feels just fine. do you think thats what happened today?" Usually when I try to have a conversation like this I get a very loud NO and the an abrupt change of subject. Tonight she continued to look at me curiously and said "possibly" Dude that was growth my kid just showed there, I was as stunned as you are. A few more kisses and I left her room.

Ten minutes later I hear a yell "MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYY" I get up and go into her room thinking that conversation got her anxiety up again and she will be sleeping in my bed tonight and it will be hours before I get her calmed down enough to sleep. I'm already exhausted. I walk up to her bed expecting to see a crying distraught little girl. Instead a smile greets me and she wraps her arms around me as tight as she can. "I just wanted to tell you I love you mommy again" we hugged for a few minutes and she laid back down to go to sleep. I think that conversation did get to her.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle