How long can you drag on grief?
Shortly after Dan died I had someone who clearly had no idea what they were talking about that I should give it six months and I would be feeling better by then and ready to get back into life. This is essentially what is wrong with the world of grief. Grievers are told total rubbish like that and because they don't know any better they believe it. Then that six months comes around and you are still barely functioning and you think there must be something wrong with you because some person who had no clue told you that you would feel better in six months.
Do you know what I was doing at six months? Well neither do I. I can count on a calendar that six months after Dan died was July. So I guess that means it was summer, I guess that means Baby Girl didn't have school. That's the best I can do. At six months we were barely functioning, it took everything I had to get out of bed. It took more then I had to make sure Baby Girl had ridiculous things like food. It must have got done because we are still here but I can't for the life of me figure out how we managed it. I was a zombie, I just stumbled around. I just went through the motions because I didn't know what else to do.
I went out to coffee with another young widow the other day. Her husbands only been dead a year. She said "It's been a whole year and I haven't done anything, I haven't gotten a job, I haven't done anything." I told her not to be so hard on herself, it took me two years before I can say I did anything. I thought, in my misguided western mind that it would only take a year. At one year I would be all better, I would be able to move on. The ache in my soul would just magically go away. The fog would lift and I would be able to think clearly again. Start laughing now. That doesn't happen, it doesn't work like that. Dan died at 12:01 am. On his one year anniversary I stayed up, ok I would have stayed up anyway because sleep was impossible, but I purposely stayed up because I wanted to feel what one full year felt like. I wanted to feel the pain and the heartache lift off my body because it had been a year, I was going to feel better now. do you know what happened at 12:01 am January 12, 2016? Nothing, nothing at all happened, nothing at all changed. If anything I felt worse in days after because nothing did change. I must be seriously broken now, I wasn't better at sixth months and I'm not better at one year. I suck at grief.
Two years came around. I spent two years doing serious therapy for me and Baby Girl. The fog was kinda starting to lift some days. Some days I felt like I could function and remember what it was I did. Go me! Two years meant it was necessary that I get a job. Uhhhhhhhhhhh. I could not function well enough for a 'real job' I knew that much. It basically went like this; my bestie said "This is what we are going to do, you and I are going to start a business out of your house and you don't have to work when its to much for you and it is going to be fun and great and you are going t have an income." "ooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkk" I said through tears. Luckily she was right and it's working out pretty well, but I have days and Baby Girl has days when the grief smashes us to the ground and working is the last thing I worry about.
Also in year two I found my tribe. I joined grief groups and widow groups. People that actually get me. People that understand why you did absolutely nothing the first year your spouse died because they did it too. Because there was nothing else you could possibly do. People that laugh with me when someone complains about their spouse, O what we wouldn't give to be able to complain about our spouse. People that when I say 'I saw a 2 litter of mountain dew at the grocery store today and I spent the rest of the day crying' they know exactly what I'm talking about, they've ran out of the grocery store in tears too.
At three years I can say I am at least feeling better. It is another hard bridge to cross because I do feel better, but I still miss Dan with every heart beat. It's just that largely I have learned how to handle it. Thats all, thats the only difference. And some days I think I am handling but turns out not so much. I haven't slept much since Dan died; sleeping without him is hard, the whole he died in the middle of the night thing makes it harder.
The other day I slept like 10 hours at night, it might be a record. Then I got up and did absolutely nothing all morning, then I took a two hour nap. then a couple hours latter I took a 45 minute nap. I told my friend, 'I don't know whats wrong with me I am so tired' she said it was grief. I was a little surprised because I thought I was "doing so well lately" Then she gave me this wonderful analogy: Grief drains your battery. It's like you're driving a car with a crappy battery that needs to be jumped half the time. Or better yet, you have to get out and push start the fucker all the time. And you have to take extra precautions so that you don't get stranded, like always park on a hill and never wear high heels. And sometimes the shitty thing fools you, like it starts right up for a week straight, and then juuuuuust when you think you can trust it, you get stuck parallel parked someplace. Yup that about sums it up.
Five years? I'm not there yet but I can guarantee you I will still be grieving Dan in five years. Maybe I won't blog about grief anymore but it will still be inside of me. I will never stop missing Dan.
Ten years. I can tell you where Dan and I would have been in ten years if he wasn't dead, I had that totally figured out. Where I will be in ten years I don't know. Where my grief will be in ten years? Well it will still be with me where ever that will be.
I heard a story once. It takes place back in the day where widows had to remarry immediately because they had no other choice. A young women with a young child was widowed. She remarried a good man very soon because she had no other choice, it was the only way she could take care of her and her child. She had several more children with her new husband. On their ten year wedding anniversary she said "I love you but I am still grieving my first husband." I get that.
I asked my friend once how long I was going to get away with milking this whole widow thing. In other words how long was it acceptable that I ask others for help, or cry in public, or be too tired to do anything at all. her answer was "The rest of your life" I will grieve for Dan the rest of my life. It will be different at times, it already has been. But I will always grieve the boy I meet in high school, who I married at 19. The man who was my soulmate, my everything. The daddy to our little girl. I will never stop loving him, I will never stop missing him and thats ok. It's more then ok it's how it should be.
I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle
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