Well thats different
I was not supposed to be there. It's not that I don't belong there, because I do, they are my people, my church family, they love Baby Girl and I to no end. They loved Dan too.
Camp falls under the category of Dan's job. Dan went to camp with our church for years, he was even the director. I stayed home and took care of Baby Girl. The plan was that when Baby Girl was old enough for camp he would go with her and I would stay home with our other kids. Eventually when all our kids were old enough I would probably wind up at camp too. Dan died before any of that happened.
Last year was the first year Baby Girl was old enough to go to camp. I went too. There were several reasons for me to go, they needed another counselor, Baby Girl's anxiety was too high for her to go without me, I guess I'm pretty crafty, and Dan was dead, therefore he wouldn't be going, so it was left to me.
Thats basicly what I told some people when they dropped off their child, they asked if this was my first year at camp. "No I came last year, my husband came for several years before that but then he died so now I'm here instead" it's kinda amazing what one tells strangers.
Never the less amazing things happen at camp. Seemingly insignificant, hugely significant things.
Many comments were made by the staff that love him about how certain things at camp were his job, we were grumbling because he wasn't here to do them. For instance, the cleaning of bodily fluids was his job. That was what he did, blood and throw up didn't really bother him. That particularly not so well behaved child was his job. Dan could always get them to come around. It makes me feel better hear them miss him too.
Baby Girl Talked about Dan, a lot, possibly every day. I don't think shes ever talked about Dan so much since he's died. At breakfast one morning, the kids at our table were talking about their parents liking coffee or not. Baby Girl asked me if Daddy liked coffee. "No Daddy HATED COFFEE" and she giggled at the funny way I said it. "Sometimes though daddy would drink mountain dew for breakfast because it has the same effect as coffee" The other staff person at our table said "I remember that, he always brought mountian dew to camp" Baby Girl replied, "I remember him drinking mountain dew too." she was part of the conversation, not running away from it, not ignoring it, but being in the conversations about her dad.
Most of the staff people that were there last year told me what a huge change they saw in Baby Girl. She was so alive, and vibrant. She wanted to be involved in everything, and be a part of everything. Yes thats her character, thats how she normally is I told them. Normally is as in thats how she was before her dad died. Thats what I've been trying to get back in her for two and a half years. I'm glad that it's coming back, I'm sad that people didn't know that about her because they didn't know her before her dad died.
The year Dan died I sent some of his ashes to camp with the staff so they could spread his ashes around camp. Last year they showed me what tree they spread them under. It was a good tree. This year on my afternoon off I walked over to that tree so that I could yell at him for not being at camp. I yell at him way more now then I ever did when he was alive. I have this little problem where I'm extremely mad at him for being dead. When I got to the area that the tree was I realized that I was in this giant grief fog thing last year and I didn't remember exactly what tree it was. So I just looked around, I found a tree Dan would like, it was a very Dan tree. I don't know how to explain what that means, it was just a Dan tree. I have no idea if it was the tree his ashes were around. As I was looking at that tree and thinking how very Dan it was I discovered something. I wasn't mad at him (at least not right then) I didn't want to yell at him anymore (at least not in that moment). Right then, right there I wasn't mad at Dan for dying. I believe thats the first time ever that I wasn't mad at him for dying on me, (I wonder what my therapist will say when I tell her about in) it only lasted a little while, I've yelled at him plenty since. I wasn't mad at Dan, thats different.
I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle
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