15, 18, 37,65,
Yesterday was our 18 year wedding anniversary. I got married 18 years ago. I'm relatively young still (37) although I feel old, after all I'm a widow, doesn't that automatically make me at least 65? I'll save you some math and tell you I got married when I was 19. Dan was a whole year older then me, he was 20. We were babies, we were crazy and nearly everyone told us so. We also knew, we just knew, this was true love, this was fairy tale love, this was forever. We didn't know forever only meant 15 short years.
On our 15 year anniversary we teased each other about how old we were "we've been married so long we're vintage" Dan posted on Facebook. Less then 6 months later Dan was dead. Just dead, gone in an instant, the fairy tale ended in tragedy. That's not how fairy tales end. Fairy tales start in tragedy and end in happily ever after. We were living our happily ever after.
Now I've been married 18 years, I think. It was our 18 year anniversary, but he's been dead for the last three. So do they count? What does one say "yes I've been married for 18 years" "I was married for 15 years" "It's my 18 year anniversary, but my husband has been dead for the last three anniversaries, so technically we were married for 15 years, but I still feel married, we would still be married if it wasn't for that really annoying death thing. So I've been married 18 years but my husbands been married for 15 years?" Ya, it's confusing. By the way, you have the same problem with birthdays.
Monday was our wedding anniversary. I went to a Dr's appointment (37 year old 65 year olds have to stay on top of their medication). I went out to lunch with my Dad and Baby Girl. I took Baby Girl to play therapy. We had dinner with friends for my best friends birthday. Yes we got married on my best friends birthday, consequently it was her 18th birthday and I made her be a bridesmaid, but Dan had everyone sing happy birthday to her at the reception to make her day complete. A few people acknowledged that I may be having a hard day, but most didn't. To be fair I don't think I know when anyone else's anniversary is either. It tends to be a really important day to the people who got married and not particularly anyone else.
It was uneventful. I didn't even cry. I was too busy doing normal everyday stuff. I told myself that was ok. Most of the time when our anniversary fell on a weekday we never celebrated it until the weekend anyway. I celebrated in my own way the day before. No matter when our anniversary took place though Dan would always acknowledge it. Little sweet things, like writing something mushy on facebook that made everyone's heart melt. Something about how I was the greatest person in the world and he loved me more every second. He actually probably never said that exact thing because Dan was a writer, a true writer, he could spin words into beautiful works of art without even trying. He would get me a card, full of his artful words on how he would love me until his dying day and then love me still. I believed him. I still do, I wish he could still tell me. He would send me texts all day with little hearts and gifs of lovey dovey scenes. I would send him some in return. He would bring me flowers when he came home from work. He would tell Baby Girl about what a special Day it was because it's what ultimately created her.
I miss those things. I miss them more then a fancy date out or a new piece of jewelry. I miss them more then a weekend away (but those were great) I miss the every day reminder of just how much I meant to him. He was so good at expressing that.
Dan always said we were going to get to our 80th wedding anniversary and then we could discuss divorce if we wanted to. I liked that plan. 15 years, 18 years, neither one was long enough. I don't know if 80 would have been long enough either but I wanted to try it just in case.
I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle
"Now I've been married 18 years, I think. It was our 18 year anniversary, but he's been dead for the last three. So do they count? What does one say "yes I've been married for 18 years" "I was married for 15 years" "It's my 18 year anniversary, but my husband has been dead for the last three anniversaries, so technically we were married for 15 years, but I still feel married, we would still be married if it wasn't for that really annoying death thing. So I've been married 18 years but my husbands been married for 15 years?" Ya, it's confusing. By the way, you have the same problem with birthdays."
ReplyDeleteWell stated. It's all so confusing. So true, so sadly true. I guess we just make it what makes us feel as good as we can. 3 years, 5 months, 7 days for me and I still add onto our anniversary date every year. 31 years this coming December 5th. Sending love to you.