Waiting for the other shoe to drop

I think my daughter is getting to the point where she might be aware that I blog about her.  There may be a day in the near future (if it hasn't happened already) where she will see my blogs on the internet. That will be a fun conversation. She's growing up so fast I don't even call her Baby Girl anymore because shes not one, no matter how much I want her to be. She's 14 and a freshman in high school. I should really come up with a new name for her.

Her therapist and other smart grief people have told me many times that children will grieve at every developmental stage. Every time their brain grows, they will think about death differently and grieve accordingly. I don't think her brain has been growing lately.

Her dad died when she was in second grade, I don't even remember that year and I don't think she does either. There was a point in my life where I didn't think she was gonna make it through 4th grade. That year was full of panic attacks and rage for her. In Jr High there were many days she refused to go to school because she just couldn't leave mommy that day. Lucky for her Corona came and then she didn't have to leave me anymore. These were all ways she was grieving, this is how she dealt when her brain was growing. 

All September various people have been asking me; "How is your girl doing in high school?"

I always look at them dumbfounded because not even I can believe the answer thats about to come out of my mouth. "You know what? My kid LOVES high school! She is having the best time. She likes all her teaches, she comes home every day and tells me about all the stuff she did. Shes been going to all the football games, she doesn't even like football. I don't know what to do with myself. My kid LOVES high school." 

My kid loves high school and I don't know what to do with myself. This is not what I expected. The day before school started I was nervous, I was waiting for her to have a giant panic attack about school, she didn't. I asked her about 20 times if she was ok. She said "ya mom, it's just school"

Just school, It's not just school, its High School and besides you haven't been to regular school in a year and a half anyway (thanks Corona), that alone should have you nervous, and did I mention this is High School. She was very non-nonchalant about the whole thing. 

I told my besties this, and they said 'oooooo don't make plans for this weekend she will totally break down after the fact.' I thought that was good advice, after all, that is what I tend to do, get through the big hard thing and then have a break down.  My kid didn't though, she was good to go.

 I kinda expected to be talking to the school counselor by now, explaining to them why she has severe anxiety; (because her dads dead)  but she hasn't been. I kinda thought I would have called her regular therapist by now and said she needs to start coming again, but she doesn't. Maybe I should email him just to tell him that we don't need him, yet.

It's that yet. It's waiting for that other shoe to drop. It's waiting for something bad to happen, because things can't just stay good, something is going to go wrong. I didn't used to think that way, I used to think that things could just always go between a mellow happy and a super happy. I mean sure bad things happened occasionally but there wasn't this constant state of something is going to happen, something is going to go wrong. I know a lot of the world has that mindset but I didn't used to. My kid didn't used to have anxiety and panic attacks all the time either. My husband didn't used to be dead. I guess trauma can change your perspective a lot.

After I answered the question to 'How is your girl doing in High School?' I got many replies along the lines of "good that girl deserves to be happy"  So I guess thats what we do right now, take the happy, love high school, go to football games. She does deserve it and I'm glad she found it. In the back of my head though i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for her brain to develop another level and the grief monster to attack in full force. I still have her therapists email.

This weekend we are going shopping for a homecoming dress, because she wants to go to the homecoming dance, just with a bunch of friends, not with a date. OMG are we not going there yet.

I wrote a book about my grief, You can get it here