Our Unique Perspective.

"You need to blog about this!" my bestie said immediately, when I told her what happened.

"Yeah, I will, but why do you think I should?" 

"Because, Jenn, you have a unique perspective for this kind of stuff." 

Well, hooray for me. Our unique perspective is, of course, all things death. It's just what I wanted to do when I grew up, just what I wanted for my child, and after all, isn't that everyone's dream? To know death?

It was around five o clock on Thursday night. I was in my room putting laundry away while Baby Girl watched TV. She came running into my room.

"Mommy, mommy, mommy!" in her "I'm scared," voice, not the "I want you to think I'm scared so you will come faster" voice, but the actual "something is wrong" voice. "Mommy Nuggie isn't moving." Nuggie or Nugget for a proper name is her pet hamster.  She lives in a cage in the living room, I cleaned that cage out just that morning and Nuggie happily ran around in her ball. Hamsters are nocturnal, they sleep all day, of course shes not moving she's sleeping. Baby Girl did use her scared voice though so I better go investigate. I think it's funny when people mistake death for sleeping, or when they say someone is sleeping when their dead. It's not really a good comparison, it's pretty obvious when someones dead, they look different and they don't have a heartbeat. It was obvious that Dan was dead, not sleeping, it was obvious that Nuggie was dead, not sleeping.

"O Baby Girl, it looks like Nuggie died."  She started to sob, "But mommy I don't want Nuggie to die"  she buries her head into my side. "I know honey, I know, Nuggie was a good hamster, but hamsters don't live very long." The average lifespan of a hamster is two years, ours was about a year and a half. She was a very fat hamster, I think she might have had a little hamster heart attack. By the way who on earth thinks an optimal child's pet is something that is going to die in less then two years. Maybe it's good for normal children, but like I said we have a unique perspective.  We don't want to loose anything else ever again.

"I better go find a box"  I left Baby Girl standing in front of Nuggies cage. I couldn't cuddle her while her dad went and found a box, or vise versa, he's not here. As I'm digging through the recycling looking for a hamster sized box, i'm angry at Dan. I'm actually pissed as hell at him. I yell at him in my head. "Damit Dan, this isn't my job, dealing with dead animals isn't my job, it's your job. I need your help. screw you for making me do this by myself."

We put a blanky in the bottom of the box. I start to open the cage to take Nugget out. Baby Girl says she wants to do it but in the end is too scared to touch her dead friend. I don't want to do it either but I have to be a grown up. I didn't touch Dan after he died, I wasn't grown up enough for that. The little fuzz ball is still warm as I pick her up and put her in her box. We found a good spot outside and Baby Girl dug the tiny hole herself. It reminded me of Harry Potter and Dobby. We buried Nugget the Hamster. I started to say what a good hamster she was and Baby Girl interrupted "Stop talking mommy, I just want to go inside."

We spent the rest of the night snuggling on the couch watching our favorite show. I moved nuggets cage into the other room so we wouldn't have to stare at it empty, but that still left a whole. The next morning she seamed much better. It was Friday, she was going on a field trip and I was going out of town for the weekend. We were both getting ready. I grabbed some carrots out of the fridge "Baby Girl I'm gonna go feed the bunnies be right back." I got about two steps outside and I screamed and jumped back."  Baby Girl came running to the door "What!  What is it? Are my bunnies ok? Mommy please tell me my bunnies are ok." "Yes of course sweet heart your bunnies are fine, I didn't even get to the bunnies. I screamed because your cat left a dead rat for you on the patio." she looks down at the dead rat "thats disgusting Daisy. (the cats name is Daisy)" and goes back inside.

I side stepped the dead rat and continued on to the bunnies. It only took a few more steps to realize I had spoke too soon. There was something wrong with the bunnies. well one of the bunnies, the other bunny seemed fine. Princess they gray bunny was laying in the corner of their cage. clearly dead, not to be mistaken for sleeping. I walk back inside, baby Girl is looking at me she knows something is really wrong now. "Baby Girl, it turns out the bunnies are not just fine...it looks like Princess died last night." And shes crying, and i'm crying, those were Dan's stupid bunnies. I never wanted those bunnies, Dan wanted them. Dan and Baby Girl loved those bunnies, I did not. Now I'm crying over the stupid bunny because it was Dan's bunny and now it's gone too, more of Dan gone. It's a unique perspective.

Baby Girl asks me how the bunny died "Was it just old mommy, or did something scary get it."  "No honey it was just old, the average bunny lives seven years thats how old this one was. That makes our other bunny eight by the way, he's overdue. The bunnies that Dan got lived out there entire lifespan but Dan didn't. Unique perspective.

We sit on the couch and cry quietly. Baby Girl begins to sob and through sobs says "Mommy if bunny Foo Foo (the other bunny) is too sad because he misses Princess too much we could set him free in the woods behind grandpas so he can try and find more friends." She says this because she knows, She knows what Bunny Foo Foo is going through. She knows how much it hurts to loose your best friend. That unique perspective. Her bunny's pain is ripping her heart out and her pain is ripping my heart out.

"Baby Girl do you want help me bury Princess or do you just want me to take care of it. "You take care of it mommy, I don't want to see her like that" Ya I get that too.

Hey did I mention she can't be late for school because she has a field trip. Did I mention I'm going out of town for the weekend and won't be here when she gets home from school. Did a mention there's  still a dead bunny and a dead rat to deal with. "What are we gonna do Baby Girl it's time to go to school." "I'll go to school mommy, I don't want to miss my field trip, i'm ok. I will be ok." so I but my eleven year old with red swollen eyes from crying onto the school bus and marveled at how impressed I was with her grown  upness. How she has really began to handle things so well. How the two dead pets didn't break her like they would have even six months ago. I guess this isn't our first rodeo.

Damit Dan! These are your bunnies, this is your mess, why did you leave me here to deal with all this. I can't do it. I wanna tap out.

Then I had a thought. Maybe I can tap out, just a little bit. I called Justin, he is my amazing boyfriend in cause you don't know. He is going out of town with me. I am supposed to pick him up like now, I said  I would be there as soon as Baby Girl got on the bus, that didn't happen. "Hi...do you think we could meet at my house...i'm not ready to go...The bunny died...I still have to bury it...do you think...would you mind...will you come help me?" guess what he said, "Of course honey, I'll be right there.  Justin came over and dug a hole for the bunny and buried it for me. I'm so thankful.

Baby Girl called me an average of four times a day when I was gone for the weekend. I can tell how she is doing by how much she calls me. If shes doing good she won't call me at all. If shes having anxiety she will call me. A lot. She split her weekend at aunties and Grandmas, it's hard to say what place she loves more, I think it's a tie. she was perfectly safe and perfectly taken care of. She called me a lot. She wanted me to come home, she missed me. I had to reassure her and myself that she was fine.  She still called me a lot. Do you know why? she was checking. checking to make sure I was still here, that I was still alive. that I didn't die in the middle of the night when she was wasting her time sleeping, after all thats what daddy did. He was fine one minute and dead the next. thats what nugget the hamster did too. Thats what Princess the bunny did. They all just up and died and she knows that mommy could to. thats the unique perspective my eleven year old has.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle