Well It's been three months

"So your doing this" my therapist asked. It was more of a statement then a question. I think. I couldn't quite tell. Her eyebrows were raised and she was looking directly at me. I think she wanted to make sure I was sure of my decision. I'm not certain if she thought it was a good decision or not. "Yes we're doing this!" I answered back firmly. I was sure of my decision. "Well it's been three months" I added. That was the agreed upon time frame, agreed on by my therapist, by Baby Girls therapist, and by me (at their suggestion).

This all started about five months ago.  I went to the beach for the weekend with one of my besties.  We were in our hotel room drinking too much wine. Yes for real this is how this story goes. We had been talking as we do a lot about how much I missed Dan. How much I missed someone to take me out to dinner or watch a movie with, or just ask me how my day was. I was so incredibly lonely.  Thus my bestie said "I know, lets sign you up for online dating."   The words that came out of my mouth still astound me. "Ya ok"

I was reluctant to do this whole dating thing, extremely reluctant, I wasn’t at all interested, first of all I knew for a fact that I would never ever ever find anyone like my husband. I knew it was impossible, so why even try. I believe in soulmates, I believe that once you found yours that was it. I had clearly found mine, I had had my turn, I didn't get another, not even if he died. I wasn't about to settle, I knew what it was like to be truly loved, I would not settle for anything less and in my mind anyone who wasn't my husband was less, no one could ever possibly love me the way Dan did.

Furthermore my widow groups are full of horror stories about new boyfriends not understanding this widow thing. New boyfriends have asked widows to do things like take the pictures of their dead husbands down, or not talk about their dead husbands so much. Widows have said things like their new boyfriend is moving in so they have to get rid of all their dead husbands stuff.  I promise you those statements are on the tame end of things I've heard. It seemed like every man out there was intimidated by the dead husband and would prefer the widow pretend he never existed. Hell to the NO. I would not be doing that in any way shape or form, screw that, anyone who even thinks about me doing something like that is getting kicked to the curb. I will do whatever I want regarding my dead husband including but not limited to having six 8x10 pictures of us kissing hanging on the wall in my room, talking about him incessantly to anybody in ear shot, telling his daughter every single thing I can think of about him whenever it pops into my head, and carrying a small container of his ashes around in my car. My criteria insured that this dating thing was never going to happen. He didn't exist. A man that would be ok with kissing me one minute and having me cry over my dead husband the next minute did not exist. I was sure of it.

"You don't need to find a soul mate, your not looking for true love. You just need someone you can go to a movie with" my bestie said. Wait, what? I didn't have to go looking for true love or soul mates. It was perfectly fine just to find someone to go to the movies with. Well ok I thought. I could do that, maybe even dinner and some grown up conversation. Ya ok. So I signed up for online dating. Do you know what became of it? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I hated it, I messaged people I thought seemed even semi interesting, my criteria for that was 'ya ok I could go to a movie with that person'  99% of the time I got no response. A few people I had conversations with but nothing even noteworthy. I put on my 'dating profile' that I was widowed, that my husband was a great man and a fantastic father and that they were going to have to be ok with that or I wasn't interested. My therapist said I was challenging people I said "damn right I am. If they can't deal with me having a dead husband then to hell with them, I'm not putting up with that crap."

One day I messaged a guy, I will call him John Smith. I was giving him crap about one of his profile pictures, I didn't care, I wasn't invested, if he was offended then he wasn't good enough to go to the movies with. He actually responded. That started our conversation.  We talked and talked and talked online. He told me his story (no he is not a widower) and I told him mine. Before ever meeting him I told him how I watched my husband die, I told him I still loved him. He said ‘well of course you do, why wouldn't you.’ We talked about simple things like what beach near us is the best and how we like our coffee. We talked about complicated things like children. Ok forget the movies, this guy was good enough to go out to eat with. We scheduled a breakfast date for John Smith's next day off. I will never forget I walked around the corner of that restaurant and saw him "O" he got up to give me a hug, like he had always known me, like we were old friends, then we sat down.  John Smith grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes, I immediately thought "o, o right, this, I know this." He tells a similar story of feeling the same way. Immediately we connected on a very deep level, like we had always known each other. You could compare it by saying we knew each other in a past life but I am too practical to believe in past lives.

Yet grief is still there, and abundant. On our first date, we were hiking and I was getting out of breath. I said "Ya I used to hike a lot more but then my husband died and everything just stopped. We just stopped." John Smith stopped hiking, He turned and looked at me, with the most sincere eyes he said, "why honey of course it did, how could it not" I knew then that he got it, he got my grief, I'm not sure how but he understood.

One of the first times we kissed, we were sitting next to each other and he kissed me, a whole new experience, a different type of kiss. After he kissed me I instinctively (as I think most women do) laid my head on his chest. Guess what? He had something my dead husband didn't have. No it wasn’t a nipple ring. John Smith had a fucking heartbeat. Thump Thump Thump. I could hear his heart beating. I heard a heartbeat. I jumped up and moved away tears pouring out of my eyes, I was breathing fast, anxious, panic. I don't know that I have ever had a panic attack happen that fast. I covered my head in my hands and tried to calm down, tried to breathe, it wasn't working. I think that shocked the hell out of John Smith, he had no idea what was going on, well actually I think he had an idea because he is very intuitive like that. He knew something had triggered my reaction. He very gently scooted toward me and asked me to tell him what was going on. I thought for a second, "how do I put this into words that won't scare him away?" ya nope screw that, I am telling him exactly what happened and if he can't handle it then we are not as connected as I thought. I looked at him and then looked away. Quietly I said "The last time I put my head on somebody's chest it was my husband's chest and I was looking for a heartbeat, I couldn't hear his heartbeat. I put my head on your chest and you have a heartbeat."   He scooted closer and put his arm around me. I cried more. After a few minutes he said "I can't possibly imagine how hard this is for you, I know I can't fix it either no matter how much I want to. But I can be here for you. I can hold you while you cry, I can hold your hand and just be here." I cried for probably another half an hour. He just held my hand and put his arm around me. That was our second date, it was a really good date.

We talk about Dan so much. I think I mention him every day and John Smith is fine with that. He likes looking at my pictures on the walls and he asks me to tell him the story behind them. He tells me he must have been a wonderful husband and father, I respond with “Yes he was” and that doesn’t intimidate John Smith. One night we were sitting on the couch, He had his arm around me and we were talking about this little beach town near us and the fun tourist things to do there. One place in particular is a beautiful view point. I sighed heavily and became quite “Are you having a memory” he gently asked “Ya” I said as a small tear came down my eye. “Would you like to share it with me?” he offered “Ya” ya I would, I really wanted to tell him about this beautiful memory I had with my husband and so I did. “The last time I was in that town, we had gone there for the weekend to celebrate our 15 year wedding anniversary. We went up to that view point and watched the sunset. It was so beautiful, it was so perfect. We spent the whole weekend together going to museums and seeing the sights, we had the best time together. Less than 6 months later he was dead”  John Smith wrapped his arms around me and gently kissed the back of my head. “I am so glad you got to spend your last anniversary with him having such a great weekend, that is a beautiful memory” then we just sat for awhile as he held me.

Now we are back to my therapist saying "So your doing this" It has been three months since John Smith and I started dating. Baby Girl does not know I have a boyfriend. She knows I have a friend who calls me all the time and I will go out to a movie with if shes at her friends house. This was the advice of the therapists; wait three months before introducing Baby Girl to John Smith. Three months at least for you to get to know him, for you to decide if he's good enough to be around your precious Baby Girl. Ok I will wait three months.  It has been three months, I was telling my therapist about our first family integration outing, we went to the park with his kids and my kid. "So your doing this?"  "Yes were doing this"

More blogs about How Baby Girl  is handling us doing this and how the grief of my husband never goes away, not even when you start dating, to come later. But yes we are doing this.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle