Pictures matter
Baby Girl and I were at church camp this last week. The church camp where Dan was the director for many years. The church camp where almost all the staff know his name. The church camp where the summer after he died I sent some of his ashes and they spread him around a tree.
The first two years baby Girl and I went to camp were rough. Her anxiety was very high and I just plain wasn't all there. I was hoping this year would be better, after all this summer has been better, well different at least. Like I said in a previous blog baby Girl is into full blown tweendom and it has been the summer of eye rolls and mommy is always wrong. Going into camp that was my biggest thought, perhaps baby Girl would give mommy a break from the eye rolls this week. I thought about Dan because I always do, but I didn't think about how we may be attacked by grief this week.
The first night at dinner I sat by another adult I didn't know. Except I did know him, well Dan knew him, I had heard Dan talk about him. He introduced himself I replied "Ya actually I think I know you" he looked at me perplexed, he was clearly certain he had never met me before. "I'm Jenny Stults" The light dawned in his eyes and they grew big "OOOOOOOOO, how are you doing Jenny" "Were ok, thanks" after all Baby Girl was sitting right there next to me. I never thought I would have a name people would instantly recognize like that. Thanks Dan.
Baby Girl was a bit stand off ish at camp. For someone who has spent the summer asserting her independence she wanted to spend quite a bit of time with mommy. I didn't think it was her grief, I thought it was her being a tween. I mentioned maybe some day we would take a walk to daddy's tree. "Daddys tree?" she asked. "ya remember they spread some of daddy's ashes around a tree at camp, I showed it to you last year." "No mommy I don't remember that, I want to go see daddy's tree" ok we will get to it sometime this week.
On Thursday we took a whole camp picture. Baby Girl was being stand off ish and had to be convinced to get in the picture. After the picture the kids continued on to there activities. Except Baby Girl. She sat down on a log and started to cry. I sat beside her, I wasn't entirely surprised she had been having a hard week. "I'm not going to the activity mommy, I'm not going anywhere, I'm just staying with mommy all day." "but why honey, whats wrong?" she didn't want to tell me. she very rarely does, shes like her daddy that way. she cried and cried as I tried to convince her to go to the activity. Everyone kept glancing back at us. Finally it came out. "I'm not going to be in the picture, the girl in front of me was blocking my face, you can't see me, you can't tell i'm here." and sobs came out of her still so little body. I tried to convince her she could be seen to no avail. I even got a hold of the camera the photo was taken with and showed it to her "see, there you are, we can see you, you are right there."
By then however the damage had been done, she was too upset to do anything but stay with mommy. "Were gonna take a walk" I whispered to the camp director, the one who had the photo on her camera and one of Dan's best friends. "Come on Baby Girl lets go walk down to daddy's tree." On our walk we stopped and talked to two chipmunks, one was very chatty and kept asking Baby Girl for food, the other one was very shy. We walked to the tree looking for more chipmunks. When we got there there were other kids siting near it, so I pointed it out to her and whispered "thats daddy's tree" she looked at it and sighed and we snuk away.
I didn't know what to say on our walk back, so I started talking about Dan certain she would immediately changed the subject. "When daddy died everyone at camp was soo soo sad, just like we were" "They were mommy?" "O yes everyone at camp loved daddy so much, he was so important to camp." she didn't change the subject so I kept going. "You and I didn't go to camp that year because we were too sad, but I sent some of daddy's ashes with our friends. At camp they had to tell all the kids that daddy died and they were all sad. Then they spent the week telling stories about daddy, they even watched one of daddy's favorite movies the lorax. Then they spread his ashes around that tree so part of daddy will always be here at camp." Baby Girl listened intently at all of this. and even had a slight smile on her face by the time we got back from our walk.
Later the director caught up to me, "what was going on with Baby Girl?" she asked concerned "Grief punched her in the gut I guess. It still does that." "But what triggered it do you think" she wanted to know. "I honestly have no idea" I told her "She was really upset about that group picture she was just certain she couldn't be seen." The directors eyes got big, something had clearly dawned on her and not on me. "Do you think it was because we were talking about Dan being in the pictures" Yes, yes I do, know that you say it thats exactly what I think. Before we went to take the group picture the director and I were telling Baby Girl about how Dan was never in the group picture. "He was always running around getting the next activity ready or solving a problem." The director and I were laughing, a good memory, so like Dan, he was too busy taking care of everyone else to make it to the group picture. I even remember one time he called us from camp and said "there taking the group picture right now, but I miss my girls so I decided to call you instead." Silly Dan, we laughed some more. The director interjected "Well he did make it into one of them but somebody is standing in front of him so you can't see his head, you can barely tell its him" And then we all walked away to take the group picture smiling at Dan's sillyness. Then Baby Girl thought she couldn't be seen in the picture. And thats how grief punched her.
The first two years baby Girl and I went to camp were rough. Her anxiety was very high and I just plain wasn't all there. I was hoping this year would be better, after all this summer has been better, well different at least. Like I said in a previous blog baby Girl is into full blown tweendom and it has been the summer of eye rolls and mommy is always wrong. Going into camp that was my biggest thought, perhaps baby Girl would give mommy a break from the eye rolls this week. I thought about Dan because I always do, but I didn't think about how we may be attacked by grief this week.
The first night at dinner I sat by another adult I didn't know. Except I did know him, well Dan knew him, I had heard Dan talk about him. He introduced himself I replied "Ya actually I think I know you" he looked at me perplexed, he was clearly certain he had never met me before. "I'm Jenny Stults" The light dawned in his eyes and they grew big "OOOOOOOOO, how are you doing Jenny" "Were ok, thanks" after all Baby Girl was sitting right there next to me. I never thought I would have a name people would instantly recognize like that. Thanks Dan.
Baby Girl was a bit stand off ish at camp. For someone who has spent the summer asserting her independence she wanted to spend quite a bit of time with mommy. I didn't think it was her grief, I thought it was her being a tween. I mentioned maybe some day we would take a walk to daddy's tree. "Daddys tree?" she asked. "ya remember they spread some of daddy's ashes around a tree at camp, I showed it to you last year." "No mommy I don't remember that, I want to go see daddy's tree" ok we will get to it sometime this week.
On Thursday we took a whole camp picture. Baby Girl was being stand off ish and had to be convinced to get in the picture. After the picture the kids continued on to there activities. Except Baby Girl. She sat down on a log and started to cry. I sat beside her, I wasn't entirely surprised she had been having a hard week. "I'm not going to the activity mommy, I'm not going anywhere, I'm just staying with mommy all day." "but why honey, whats wrong?" she didn't want to tell me. she very rarely does, shes like her daddy that way. she cried and cried as I tried to convince her to go to the activity. Everyone kept glancing back at us. Finally it came out. "I'm not going to be in the picture, the girl in front of me was blocking my face, you can't see me, you can't tell i'm here." and sobs came out of her still so little body. I tried to convince her she could be seen to no avail. I even got a hold of the camera the photo was taken with and showed it to her "see, there you are, we can see you, you are right there."
By then however the damage had been done, she was too upset to do anything but stay with mommy. "Were gonna take a walk" I whispered to the camp director, the one who had the photo on her camera and one of Dan's best friends. "Come on Baby Girl lets go walk down to daddy's tree." On our walk we stopped and talked to two chipmunks, one was very chatty and kept asking Baby Girl for food, the other one was very shy. We walked to the tree looking for more chipmunks. When we got there there were other kids siting near it, so I pointed it out to her and whispered "thats daddy's tree" she looked at it and sighed and we snuk away.
I didn't know what to say on our walk back, so I started talking about Dan certain she would immediately changed the subject. "When daddy died everyone at camp was soo soo sad, just like we were" "They were mommy?" "O yes everyone at camp loved daddy so much, he was so important to camp." she didn't change the subject so I kept going. "You and I didn't go to camp that year because we were too sad, but I sent some of daddy's ashes with our friends. At camp they had to tell all the kids that daddy died and they were all sad. Then they spent the week telling stories about daddy, they even watched one of daddy's favorite movies the lorax. Then they spread his ashes around that tree so part of daddy will always be here at camp." Baby Girl listened intently at all of this. and even had a slight smile on her face by the time we got back from our walk.
Later the director caught up to me, "what was going on with Baby Girl?" she asked concerned "Grief punched her in the gut I guess. It still does that." "But what triggered it do you think" she wanted to know. "I honestly have no idea" I told her "She was really upset about that group picture she was just certain she couldn't be seen." The directors eyes got big, something had clearly dawned on her and not on me. "Do you think it was because we were talking about Dan being in the pictures" Yes, yes I do, know that you say it thats exactly what I think. Before we went to take the group picture the director and I were telling Baby Girl about how Dan was never in the group picture. "He was always running around getting the next activity ready or solving a problem." The director and I were laughing, a good memory, so like Dan, he was too busy taking care of everyone else to make it to the group picture. I even remember one time he called us from camp and said "there taking the group picture right now, but I miss my girls so I decided to call you instead." Silly Dan, we laughed some more. The director interjected "Well he did make it into one of them but somebody is standing in front of him so you can't see his head, you can barely tell its him" And then we all walked away to take the group picture smiling at Dan's sillyness. Then Baby Girl thought she couldn't be seen in the picture. And thats how grief punched her.
I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle
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