Just don't say it!

Let’s pretend for a minute that one of your friends just had their spouse die. You’re pretty shocked I’m sure.  You know they are grieving so you try to say something encouraging.  Such as one of these statements:

You are still sooo young.

Maybe she can marry the new pastor…. Said the day after my husband died.

He is in a better place now.

God needed another angel.

It hurts me to look at you because it reminds me that he is dead

He would want you to...

She is happy that....

It’s God’s will.

At least …

You have your memories

Your lucky you knew to get counseling

You had a love like that. Most people never do.

At least she is always in your heart

you’re so strong

how are you?

how have you been?

Life goes on

You were so blessed to have him as long as you did.

He's at peace.

She would want you to be happy.

You've got to have a positive attitude

She's in a better place.

He's watching over you.

He's always with you.

At least he died doing what he loved

He lived a good life

Everything happens for a reason.

I can’t even imagine

I could never go through that

Your faith will carry you through this.

He's with Jesus.

He's an angel.

You'll meet again in Heaven.

His suffering is over

This happened for a reason only God knows.

God never gives you more than you can handle

Why don't you write a song about your loss

You must not have prayed enough, we prayed and (fill in the blank) was cured.

You loved him more than you loved God” That’s why he was taken from you..

 “you didn’t love him enough, weren’t a good wife” thats why God punished you...

Suicide!" "That means your loved one is in hell.

It was time for her to go.

God took him from you to save you all from the pain!

You wouldn't have wanted him to suffer

It all works out in the end

Now you can get on with your life

Now you can …

He’s not struggling anymore.

With his addiction, something like this was bound to happen.

He wouldn’t want you to be so upset.

 It must be worse for his (grown) children than for you to lose him

Time heals all wounds

You’ll find someone new

I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you this last year. I just couldn’t bear it

God makes no mistakes

Look for the silver linning

Your love will carry you through your grief

God took her to give you a guardian angel

You just have to let it go

When are you going to move on with your life

Work’s a good distraction

School’s a good distraction

little by little you have to get used to it ...

Besides the death of your partner...how are things going

You're so strong.. I would probably die if this happened to me

In time you'll forget the bad times and just remember the good

I just know you're doing well.

So what are your plans for the future then?

This time next year, you won’t feel this way

This is building your character

Are you better now

are you adjusting to the new normal

Only the good die young

have you got another partner yet, you don't want to sit on the shelf for too long at your age'...

There's a reason for everything.

His job on earth was done

God will do anything to draw us closer to Him.

if you don't start returning friends calls and getting out and about, you'll have no friends left when this is all over

Well, at least your grocery bill isn't as high as when you were feeding him too

God needed another flower for his garden.

You should be grateful for.....

He’s always with you

You've still got your memories....

At least your kids are older.

at least your kids are little and won't remember

Thank goodness you didn't have kids

Your young, you'll get remarried.

you’re young, you’ll fall in love again

She's with her parents in heaven now.

Children are so resilient.

at least you have a house

You have life insurance, that’s just like winning the lottery

You need to move on

You are the bravest person I know.

I can’t stand that I think about you all the time....

You are doing really well -you are so strong

I think of you all the time

It’s so good to see you smiling

Let me know if you need anything.

Well, life is hard.

It’s just like my divorce.

God needed him more than you.

You have to be grateful for the  time you had. Some people never find true love.

At least the worst thing in your life has already happened to you.

it's a blessing that he died

It could of been you.

Sorry I haven't called, but I've been thinking about you

call me if you need anything.

I just don't know how you do it

I was out last night without my spouse and it was awful & thought of you.

You guys showed people what true love is. Some people never get that in their life time.

Are you kind of excited to be able to date other people now?

Why don't you get a pet?

This is your cross to bare

You still have so much to live for.

Time heals all wounds.

When God closes one door he opens another

God doesn't make mistakes. 

 These are all actual things that were said to actual real life grieving people. I asked around and these are just some of the responses I got. For the love of God do not say any of these things.  Just don’t. I know you don’t know this unless you have been in our shoes so I’m telling you non grieving people; none of those statements help. None of them. Most of them just make the griever feel worse. 

Their heart has been ripped out of their chest and shattered into a million pieces, being told they are in a better place doesn’t make the griever feel better, it makes them feel worse because now they feel guilty for wishing their loved one wasn't in that better place. Can you imagine? can you try? Can you even fathom? Your soul mate just died, you are franticly thinking if any of those things you saw in the movies to bring people back to life would actually work and someone tells you they are in a better place. So now on top of everything you feel guilty for being selfish and not caring that they are in a better place because you just want them back with you so badly that you wish there was such a thing as vampires. Those of us in the club don't get to try to imagine it, we know it all to well. 

If you are thinking ok well what do I say then? Sorry not going to help you right now, I will write about that in a different blog. For now people just stay far far away from the above list please. All any of those statements do is pour a bucket of salt into a ripped open chest. Just don't say it.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle