If Only My Husband Were in Jail.


                                                                                                 Dan pretending he's in jail at an old museum


My sister had a dream about Dan the other day. Dan and I started dating when she was eight years old. He was very much an older brother to her. They were very close. Here is her dream as she posted it on Facebook:

 "I had a dream last night that my brother-in-law, Dan, who passed away a year and a half ago, was in jail. For some reason, I have no idea what he was there for. But he was there and alive. My sister, my niece and myself went to visit him. And you could sit there in this big open room and talk to him or play bored games at a table and then towards the end of my dream him and his daughter, were twirling around by these big windows just having a good ol' time. It was sad but made me happy to have a dream he was in. Missing him always."

 My immediate reaction was, 

 "I want to go too!" 

 Please, please take me to jail to see my husband, so Baby Girl can see her daddy. If only he were in jail. If only we could still see him. Oh, please let me sit across the table from him and hold his hand. My hand always fit perfectly in his. One hug when we leave? What I wouldn't give to feel your safe arms surrounding me again, even if it was just for a little bit, every once in awhile. At least he would be alive. At least we could look forward to seeing him someday, instead of waiting until we die to be able to see him again.

 While this hasn't yet happened to me, I have heard other widows talk about how when they talk to other single parents, they want to slap them.  I know very few single parents, which is probably why this hasn't happened to me, although I'm sure it will someday. There is no break. There is no discussion about what's best for their future. You are the only one. It is all on you.There is no trading every other weekend. There is deep deep grief for you and the child, which is hard enough to deal with, but when you throw in regular parenting, all by yourself, when you're not used to it, and it wasn't your plan, it is nearly impossible to deal with. 

  As a general rule, single parents tend to complain about the other parent. They complain that the kids come home without the clothes they were sent with. They complain about how the other parent(s) discipline, or about how their child comes back full of sugar. They complain that their kids have more fun at the other parent's house. I know being a single parent is not easy. When Dan was alive I would look at single parents and think to myself, 

 "That has got to be so hard. I am so glad I will never have to do that, it's way too hard for me."  

 Single parents, I know it's hard and I know you are no longer together for some really good reason. But it is not the same as having a parent die, it's just not. Be grateful that your child still has two parents. 

 Dan and I were madly in love with each other, but if I had a choice between being divorced and having him be dead I would choose divorce. It's pretty simple: he would still be alive. His daughter would still get to see him. His daughter would still get to have a relationship with him. You don't know what I would give to be able to complain that my child always got to do fun stuff with her dad. You don't know what I would give to be able to roll my eyes at something he did. Just to let Baby Girl see her daddy again, I would give up everything. I would give up my chance to see him if it meant SHE GOT TO. 

 You have no idea what I would give for my husband to simply be in jail. If only.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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