Carry on Castle: Living with Grief

Just go with the flow. Dear Lord if there was any skill I wish I could teach my daughter it would be to just go with the flow. Yes it’s not what we planned, yes I know its not what you want, but it is reality so just go with the flow and make the best of it. Right now, we are in the middle of a severe winter storm. That picture is of my back yard. It’s not snow, its ice, because it does not snow here, it ices. There is at least an inch of ice on everything, in most places it is more like three inches. There is no power, no hot water, no internet, no cell service. I am sitting in my cold dark house under a pile of blankets using up my computer battery to write, which I will have to post later. My 13-year-old daughter is in the bathroom taking a shower, a cold shower, in a cold house. I can hear her crying from the living room, because shes cold and miserable and wants power and hot water and internet. One mile down the road is my boyfriend Justin’s house. He has a generator, which...

  I certainly didn't want to hear it. Really I still don't want to hear it, the thought of it makes me want to puke, saying it out loud is nearly impossible. Writing it out in a blog: well can't you tell I'm stalling.  Lets stall some more. On January 12, 2015 at 12:46 am, my husband was pronounced dead on my living room floor. He had just turned 36, I was 34. At the end of the hall our 7 year old daughter was sleeping in her cozy bed surrounded by stuffed animals. We were high school sweethearts and had been married for 15 years, we were still madly in love with each other, we couldn't wait to have more babies: We were living our fairy tale. And he just died, out of nowhere. Our lives were over but I was still breathing.   I'll be flat out honest, I wanted to die. More I wanted to be with Dan and the only way that could happen was by me dying. I didn't have that choice though; I woke my snuggly baby girl up in the middle of the night and told her daddy was ...