The day that shall not be named
I'm not sure quite what to say (really I never am). Yesterday, January 12, 2017 was the two year anniversary of Dan's death. I hate the word anniversary for this. Anniversary's are happy occasions. Some people call it a deathaversary or death day but I don't much like those names either. I don't have a name for the day my soul mate left this planet, left me, and his baby girl, and his parents, left us all. I don't think such an awful day can have a name. We could be like Voldemort and call it that day that shall not be named. Some people elude to that, they say "and then you know everything changed" or "ever since you know" yes yes I know, I actually was there. I prefer you say it for what it is.Ever since Dan died everything has changed, ever since Dan died etc. We do this because Dan died. We all know the truth, why do we act like we don't. Because it hurts I guess.
Two years is different then one year. I'm still trying to figure out exactly how. It's not better, it's just different. I at one year I was still in such a state of shock. I had in the back of my head (even though my logical brain told me it wasn't true) that if I could just make it through one year, if I could just survive one year I would wake up and everything would be magically better. I would feel better, and part of me thought that maybe just maybe Dan would come back. Maybe after one year I would wake up and realize it was all just a giant nightmare, Dan would be laying beside me, none of it had ever happened. At two years I still wish that, but more of my logical brain is working and I know it won't happen. Unfortunately you can want something with every fiber of your being but that doesn't make it happen.
At one year baby girl was still in pretty much complete denial. She was determined to make everything, to do everything just as we always have. She acted like nothing at all had changed when our whole world was in ruble at our feet. It was how she dealt with it. At two years she is still largely like this except that she is starting to see more of the ruble of our fallen world. She is growing, turning into a tween (gag, I just can't even, ahhhhhhhhhhhh). Her grief is growing with her. A child's grief develops as the child develops, it sort of ages with her into different phases. Her grief is definitely changing and it has not been pretty. She has had a really rough fall.
At two years I have more days where I take deep breathes and tell myself I will do this (not can, can is a joke, but will, I will make this work). But I still have many many days when life without him is so overwhelming and so wrong that all I can see is the ruble around me. Days where I can't function good enough. Most days I can function good enough to get by, not good but good enough. I still can not function like I did when Dan was alive and I never will be able to again. He was half of my driving force. He was the love of my life, my soul mate, I will never be as good as I was with him.
At two years I am managing better, I guess is how one should phrase it. After all I've gone to two years of therapy so that I could manage. At two years, every single second of every single day hurts. Life hurts without Dan. We have had some really good things happen in the last two years and even those hurt because they are not with Dan. I think about him constantly, always a voice in my head telling me he's dead, he's not here. Always a knife in my heart making me bleed, it hurts so bad. Always wishing he were here to talk to, to hold me, to play with Baby girl, to help me with these tween years (again gag, I just can't even, ahhhhhhhhhhhh).
We came to the beach this weekend, To get away from real life on the two year mark of when Dan died. I love the beach. His parents, Baby girl, and I are here. We stay in the same beach house we have stayed in every summer for about five years now. I took pictures of Baby girl playing on the beach, I always do. It is a lovely picture. It is missing one crucial thing, the same thing that has been missing for the last two years
Her daddy standing beside her.
Two years is different then one year. I'm still trying to figure out exactly how. It's not better, it's just different. I at one year I was still in such a state of shock. I had in the back of my head (even though my logical brain told me it wasn't true) that if I could just make it through one year, if I could just survive one year I would wake up and everything would be magically better. I would feel better, and part of me thought that maybe just maybe Dan would come back. Maybe after one year I would wake up and realize it was all just a giant nightmare, Dan would be laying beside me, none of it had ever happened. At two years I still wish that, but more of my logical brain is working and I know it won't happen. Unfortunately you can want something with every fiber of your being but that doesn't make it happen.
At one year baby girl was still in pretty much complete denial. She was determined to make everything, to do everything just as we always have. She acted like nothing at all had changed when our whole world was in ruble at our feet. It was how she dealt with it. At two years she is still largely like this except that she is starting to see more of the ruble of our fallen world. She is growing, turning into a tween (gag, I just can't even, ahhhhhhhhhhhh). Her grief is growing with her. A child's grief develops as the child develops, it sort of ages with her into different phases. Her grief is definitely changing and it has not been pretty. She has had a really rough fall.
At two years I have more days where I take deep breathes and tell myself I will do this (not can, can is a joke, but will, I will make this work). But I still have many many days when life without him is so overwhelming and so wrong that all I can see is the ruble around me. Days where I can't function good enough. Most days I can function good enough to get by, not good but good enough. I still can not function like I did when Dan was alive and I never will be able to again. He was half of my driving force. He was the love of my life, my soul mate, I will never be as good as I was with him.
At two years I am managing better, I guess is how one should phrase it. After all I've gone to two years of therapy so that I could manage. At two years, every single second of every single day hurts. Life hurts without Dan. We have had some really good things happen in the last two years and even those hurt because they are not with Dan. I think about him constantly, always a voice in my head telling me he's dead, he's not here. Always a knife in my heart making me bleed, it hurts so bad. Always wishing he were here to talk to, to hold me, to play with Baby girl, to help me with these tween years (again gag, I just can't even, ahhhhhhhhhhhh).
We came to the beach this weekend, To get away from real life on the two year mark of when Dan died. I love the beach. His parents, Baby girl, and I are here. We stay in the same beach house we have stayed in every summer for about five years now. I took pictures of Baby girl playing on the beach, I always do. It is a lovely picture. It is missing one crucial thing, the same thing that has been missing for the last two years
Her daddy standing beside her.
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