Lost in Faith




Every night we have the same bedtime routine. One of the things we do is I tell Baby Girl that I love her more then anything. Then I say "and daddy loves you more then anything" every night because I don't want her to ever ever forget.  Most of the time she completely ignores me, a lot o times she rolls her eyes. Sometimes she says "I know, I know, you tell me every night" That's right I do.

Then we say our prayers, I know technically there's no such thing as a bad prayer, but Dan was always so much better at praying then I was. He was always so eloquent. The first night Dan was gone, I prayed as tears ran down my face, "Dear God, please help our hearts to hurt not so bad." that was it. That was all I could muster, that was all I could muster for months. Eventually I added the sentence, "Help us to remember daddy and talk about him."  Then that was all I could muster.

Slowly I added short things, like help us get a good nights sleep, help us have a good day tomorrow.  Thats all I am up to two years later. Thats all the prayer I can muster. Really though, the only part I'm really care about is the first two sentences "Help our hearts to hurt not so bad, help us to remember daddy and talk about him." The rest is all for show. The rest is because I'm trying to lead by example. The rest is because my husband would come back from the dead and kill me if I stopped teaching our child about God. (Would that work? Because I would do that. I would, don't put it past me Dan.) But all I can muster is a few lousy sentences.

I wouldn't say I lost my faith when Dan died. I believe 100% in God. I know for a fact Dan is kicking it in heaven, having a much greater time then we are down here. However my faith has definitely changed. I suppose you could say that I'm lost in my faith. I still believe in you God, but I really don't know what to do with you right now. Frankly I don't really feel like talking to you anymore, so I talk as little as possible.

Please don't tell me "Everything happens for a reason" "God has a plan for you" BLAH BLAH BLAH. I know you mean well, and they may even be true, but they do not help a grieving person in the slightest. I am in a lot of grief groups theses days and I have never once heard anything from anyone that phrases like that are even remotely helpful. It's pretty much the opposite.

"Please God, please God, please fix Dan. Please God, please God, please fix Dan" that was all the prayer I could muster as Dan lay dying in front of me. I said it over and over and over. A paramedic moved me into the other room so I couldn't see and that was still all the prayer I could muster. It was a lousy prayer, it was not eloquent in the least. It was the most powerful, important, meaningful prayer I've ever prayed in my life. I can assure you I have never prayed harder.

Dan still died. Dead forever. God did not answer my prayer. I know God doesn't answer every prayer but this one was kind of huge. I don't know what to make of that. I don't know why God decided to let Dan die. I'm sure Dan knows and  I don't really think thats fair. So I don't know what to do with God. I still have faith, but my faith is a forest covered in thick fog and I'm wondering around lost in it.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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