Some Days




Some days I feel like I can handle this grief thing, like I can continue living without the love of my life beside me. Some days I think I will be alright. I think I can make it. Some days I'm actually happy. Someway I can look out of my closed up little box and see the world again.

It rained today. I've always loved the rain. In case you don't live in the Pacific North West rain is a big deal around here. Snow is an even bigger deal. Here's how it works, snow lives up on the mountain and you drive an hour or so to visit it whenever you want, then you leave it behind and you come home to your cozy house on your clear street. Once a year or so it snows in the valley. It's beautiful and majestic. The whole city shuts down and you play in the snow with your kids. Then it melts in a day, maybe two. This year it did not melt. We have had more snow then I ever remember. My kid is going to be going to school till July to make up snow days. We've had snow off and on since Christmas. For real this doesn't happen around here. I didn't like it. I think most of us didn't like it. It got warm enough to rain today and melt all the snow and the whole city was jumping for joy. That was a very long rant to say this. I love the rain. I stood in the rain outside our little house that isn't ready to live in yet and I waited for Baby Girl to get off the bus. I took deep breathes and I breathed in the rain. It felt right, one of extremely few things that does now. I looked around our little yard, the first time I could see the grass since Christmas and I liked it. This is our house. Life will be good here. I thought.

Some days I just don't wanna. I don't wanna handle my grief. I don't think it will be alright. I don't think I can make it. I can't imagine living one more second without Dan and am a little astonished when that next breath comes anyway. I don't wanna do anything, I don't wanna get up, I don't wanna move, I don't wanna take care of baby girl. I don't even wanna sleep. I just don't wanna.

"Yes but you keep moving" My therapist says "That's all I've been doing for the past two years, keep on moving" I reply. "That's good" she says back. Sometimes I wonder.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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