I can see you
I can see him opening the door of my therapists office (a place he's never been because I didn't go to therapy before) I can picture his hand turning the knob. It's the first thing I see as the door slowly creeks open. He has black hairs on his knuckles and on his wrist going up his arm. I know the size of his hands and yet the only way I can describe them is to say they are bigger then mine. Mine fit into his perfectly, thats how I know there his. He has big knuckles from a lifetime of popping them. I hate it when he popped his knuckles, or his knees, or his back. I hate that sound, I miss that sound.
And then I hear two things. I can here the sound of his keys as he puts them into his pocket. They sound just like anybody's keys, all keys are basically the same. Yet these have the distinct sound of Dan's keys, they are different then my keys. He doesn't have any key chains or doo dads on his key ring just a bunch of keys. I'm pretty sure half of them go to nothing. I also hear him sniff, if I couldn't see or hear anything else I would know him by his sniff. He constantly had very serious allergies and would sniff hundreds of times a day. (baby girl inherited the same allergies and the same sniff).
As he's sniffing his hand goes up to his nose and he pushes the side of it with his knuckle. Trying to keep it in I guess, I don't know, I never asked, why would I, it was just a tiny thing no one ever noticed. As he's doing this I can see his face. He is looking down toward the ground. It makes his eye lids looked closed and I can see his long long lashes flicking. To me he is always clean shaven even though he had a beard for years and years and years. I would always complain that it was itchy when he kissed me. His hair is brown and tied back in a pony tail at the bottom of his neck. He has long long hair. longer then mine, it goes to the middle of his back. Shhhh don't tell him but it was starting to recede in the front. slowly inching it's way back. Shh don't tell him he's very sensitive about his hair. He also has a few grey hairs, on he side above his ear. shhh don't tell him that either.
Then I can see his whole body for the first time. He has on his "go to" clothes. what he wore the most often. Tennis shoes, Khaki slacks, and a black t-shirt with a funny saying on it. Yes slacks with a t-shirt. This is what he wore almost everyday. He hated jeans and didn't even own any. He only wore button down shirts if he had an important meeting that day. I know the size of his body, I know the shape. Again the best way to describe it is slightly bigger then me so that I fit into him perfectly. His stomach has grown some since we first got married but thats ok, mine has too. Then he looks up.
This all takes place in a matter of seconds. Walking through a door only takes a second after all. Then he looks up at me. He has this look on his face, it's saying "What! Why are you looking at me so funny? What!" Like it's no big deal, like he hasn't been dead for two years. There's a sparkle in his eye like he really knows he's tricking me but isn't going to give up the game. Like I just saw him this morning and now he's meeting me for lunch. Like he just kissed me goodbye and now he's going to kiss me hello. Just like it was yesterday. But it wasn't yesterday, It was two years ago.
I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle
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