slipping away





We had green beans for dinner tonight. Baby girl loves green beans, her favorites are the French cut ones. Dan and her came up with the name "nicely slicelys" for them. I have no idea where that came from. She went through a stage where she would only eat nicely slicelys. Regular green beans wouldn't do. Tonight we had regular green beans. Baby girl ate them up. Grandma said "I'm sorry they didn't have the other kind you like when I went to the store." baby girl said "huh" and I interjected "she means nicely slicelys" and baby girl said "huh" Baby girl hasn't called them nicely scicelys in awhile now. I think she forgot thats what she called them. Dan's not here to remind her. My widow brain has a hard time remembering stuff like that.

I feel like stuff like that is slipping away. Silly little quirks we had. Funny little phrases we said. It's slowly slipping away.

I saved some of his shirts for baby girl to wear as night gowns. She won't admit it but they are by far her favorite thing to wear. She had the flu this weekend and the first time she got sick she said "mommy will you get me a daddy shirt to wear" She wanted her daddy close and this is the only way she can do it now. Or I'm reading too much into it.

My mother in law got me a new robe for Christmas. My old robe is 17 years old. It's stained, it's tattered, there is a giant hole where you hang it. It's not even very soft anymore. It's also one of the first presents Dan ever gave me. He gave it to me before we got married, when I started college so I would have a robe to wear while sharing a dorm with the other girls. I love my old robe, it's from Dan. If Dan were still here it's highly likely I would have hinted around this Christmas that I wanted a new robe so I could get rid of the old one. But he is still dead it turns out, and I will never get rid of that old robe. My mother in law knew all this when she got me the new robe. In fact she was there with Dan when he bought my old one. So she put a little letter in with my new robe that pretty much said that, and that she didn't know if she should get me a new one or not and I could take it back if I wanted too. Here's the thing, I am 100% certain that if Dan were here this is the exact robe he would have bought me. It's my favorite color, it's warm, it's cozy, it's very me. I love it. I put it on and it's more like putting on something Dan got me then something my mother in law got me. It makes me feel close to Dan when he is so very far away these days.

In 10 days it will be two years since he died. I will have to start saying "my husband died two years ago" Just thinking about it feels like I'm being punched in the gut. I will probably stop counting it in months, thats what you do after two isn't it?

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

Comments

  1. UnknownJanuary 2, 2017 at 10:07 PM

    You do not ever stop counting, just tonight at my fathers bday dinner tyrin said his dad had been gone 11 years, i have not personally ever lost anyone i was close to so i do not know the pain of it but based on his saying that i am guessing you never stop counting.........

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