Anxiety I did not miss you.




I was so proud of myself. I went into therapy and she asked me how my weekend was. You know the one where we ran away to the beach because it was the two year anniversary of my beloved husbands death. (Side note, he doesn't come back after two years either.) So I told her "you know what it was really good. We all had a really nice time. I actually slept which I was not expecting to be able to do. I didn't feel like I was in a fog. Of course I missed Dan but I do that every second anyway. It really went pretty well." and then we talked about how that in itself is strange and deep stuff pertaining to that for another blog.

Then we came home from the beach. Then anxiety had Baby Girl by the claws. One thing beyond description that is not death is how stressful it is for yourself when your child is having anxiety.  It is extremely draining, it makes you mentally exhausted.  You may be aware that Baby Girl loves her consolation kitty (you can read about that here if you want http://carryoncastle.blogspot.com/2016/08/consolation-kitty.html ) and man handles the dear thing to no end. I can always gauge her anxiety by how she acts around consolation kitty. The other night I had to lock kitty in my bedroom before baby girl would enter the living room. That should tell you how her anxiety is going.

My anxiety has not been any better then hers. I told you about the bus incident (in case you missed it here it is http://carryoncastle.blogspot.com/2017/01/why-are-you-panicking.html ) although that was technically before the two year. But don't worry more anxiety is coming.  Our new house is pretty far out in the country, off a country highway. There is exactly nothing out there. It is miles past the end of town, past the last store, past the last gas station. The only thing out there besides houses is Baby Girls little country school (which I love f.y.i) we don't even have any apartment complexes, we have farms.

Anyway I was leaving our road to get on said highway and go to the store. Two police cars zoomed by, lights flashing, sirens blaring. The logical conclusion is there was a car accident. I continue down the highway. Three more police cars zoom by with lights and sirens. Geez what happened I think, but I keep driving. TWO more police cars lights and sirens. Then it gets fun, because crazy widow brain starts talking. "what are all those police doing out here? there's nothing out here. The only thing that warrants that many police out here is Baby girls school." THREE MORE police cars drive by. "O my God something happened at school, there was a shooting or a fire, somethings wrong I need to go to the school" crazy widow brain is telling me as my heart starts to race. "No your being paranoid." My regular brain is trying to say "I don't know whats going on but the school is fine, baby girl is fine. I know lets call one of our besties she is the voice of reason she will talk us down" I call my friend and the second she says hello I say "I need you to talk me down. I just saw like 9 police cars zoom by towards the school. I need you to tell me thats not where they were going, that everything is fine, that I'm being crazy and panicking for no reason and that I should not turn around and go to the school"
You know what that crazy friend told me... "turn around and go to the school." uhhhhh thats not the voice of reason I was expecting "Do it it will give you peace of mind" she says.

But by now I'm on a part of the highway that is separated by a barrier. So I have to drive several miles before I can turn around. She stays on the phone with me. "I didn't used to be like this you know" "I know" she says. "I used to be a very calm and practical person" "I know" she says. "This is all Dan's fault, he made me this way, I didn't used to be this way" "I know" she says. "what is wrong with me." "Nothing" she says.

I get to the school. Not a cop car in site. Everything is quite, everything is sound, everything is fine. Now I know, now I have peace of mind instead of panicking about it all day. Definitely worth the drive.

It occurred to me today as I was having more anxiety (that I was going to write about but this blog is getting long) that my anxiety is kicking my ass this week. Baby girls anxiety is kicking her bottom too. But we did so good at the beach, I'm telling myself. And then I remembered, I must have blocked it out. What were we doing this week two years ago? Living the unimaginable, planning the funeral for my 36 year old husband who was perfectly healthy days before. Forcing myself to continue to breathe, literally, breathe in, breathe out. No wonder we have anxiety right now. That makes total sense.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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