Carry on Castle: Living with Grief

I was taking Baby Girl to camp, about to leave her for five days.  We had an hour or so to waste so we stopped for ice cream.  While we were standing in an extremely long ice cream line my mother in law called me. "Hey whats up" I said very causally because it was the middle of the afternoon, I figured she wanted to tell baby girl to have a great time at camp.  "Where are you right now?" there was something wrong with her voice, it was shaky, something had happened but I didn't know what. I left Baby Girl in line with Auntie and I walked away. "Whats going on? We are getting ice cream"  "good I wanted to make sure you weren't driving and I wanted to make sure Baby Girl didn't hear me. Rick died this morning." WAIT WHAT! "Wait what?"  "Rick had a heart attack and died this morning" Rick is Dan's older brother. Arguably the brother most like Dan, they had a lot in common that the other brothers didn't. They...

I have a tween girl.  She is 11, she thinks shes 16. I think thats the definition of a tween; a kid who is between 9-12 and really really really wants to be a teenager. So far it has been a summer of 'everything mommy does is wrong'  I wear the wrong clothes, I pick the wrong way to go (cause you know the 11 year old is an expert driver) I get eye roll after eye roll everytime I open my mouth. She rarely wants to snuggle anymore and is embarrassed when I kiss her goodbye. We haven't had the official "talk" yet but I think shes done with Santa and the easter bunny. Yes this blog is about grief, hang on. Baby Girl went to sleep away camp last week. I am picking her up today. Five days and four nights she has been away from me. I am sure that is the longest she has ever been away from mommy EVER. She went with her two best friends. Two years ago her best friend invited her and she refused to go. "I can't leave you mommy" she said and would start to pa...

Two weeks after Dan died I was driving to Doughy Center for grieving children and families.  I called them a week or so earlier "My husband just died, I have a seven year old daughter, I don't know what to do" They gave me some helpful hints for the funeral and scheduled us to go to the next available support group. That's what I was driving to, it was January, it was dark.  We went early for an orientation. The director asked Baby Girl if she knew what this place was for. I answered for her, something to the effect that it was a special place where only kids who have had a mommy or daddy die get to come and play. Baby Girl was impressed with the cool toys. When the group started the adults went upstairs and the kids went downstairs. The kids played, the adults talked.  The adult room was just a carpeted room with soft lighting and 10 ish rocking chairs. The rocking chairs are genius, motion helps calm you. Much like an AA meeting the adults go around the circl...

You may have noticed I haven't been blogging as much lately. You may be happy about it, yay that crazy widow finally ran out of stuff to say. Yay shes finally over her grief. Nope nope nope. Neither of those are reasons I haven't been writing. I actually have been writing. I have been doing a lot of writing. I just haven't been blogging. You see it appears there are only so many hours in the day. I think I mentioned in a previous blog that I have been sleeping a lot better these days. I don't really know why that switched, one day I was just able to sleep again, mostly. I suppose some people would say its just because so much time has gone by. Maybe? Three years and five months is a long time to adjust I guess, although I don't feel adjusted, I've just been sleeping better. Sleeping however has seriously cut down on the amount of time I am awake, which cuts down on the amount of time I have to blog. 3 am was always my best blogging time. Now I'm wasting it...

Let’s pretend for a minute that one of your friends just had their spouse die. You’re pretty shocked I’m sure.  You know they are grieving so you try to say something encouraging.  Such as one of these statements: You are still sooo young. Maybe she can marry the new pastor…. Said the day after my husband died. He is in a better place now. God needed another angel. It hurts me to look at you because it reminds me that he is dead He would want you to... She is happy that.... It’s God’s will. At least … You have your memories Your lucky you knew to get counseling You had a love like that. Most people never do. At least she is always in your heart you’re so strong how are you? how have you been? Life goes on You were so blessed to have him as long as you did. He's at peace. She would want you to be happy. You've got to have a positive attitude She's in a better place. He's watching over you. He's always with you. At...

So here's the thing. Eyeballs make me queasy. Putting on mascara is a task because that darn stick gets way to close to my eyeball.  I cringe at just the thought of having to put eyedrops in my own eye.  On the rare occasions I've actually had to have it done I was like a child shutting my eyes tight every time it came near. My ears would start ringing. Dan would laugh at me for being so silly but then he would help me put the eyedrops in.  It's not limited to my eyeball.  Other peoples eyeballs make me queasy too. I could not stand watching Dan put his contacts in or take them out. I would cringe and grown and walk out of the room as fast as possible. He would laugh at me and try to get me to come back, wasn't gonna happen.  I didn't even like watching him put drops in his eyes, which he did like everyday because he had terrible allergies. This is why when Baby Girl needed eyedrops, which is often because she has terrible allergies just like her father. It ...

Can you imagine the most guttural intense painful cry you've ever heard? Maybe something out of a movie where someone is being tortured?  The pain is so real it makes your shoulders tense, your eyes squint and your face grimace. You may even move your body back at the shock.  I've heard that cry before and not in a movie, and not because someone was being tortured, well not physically anyway. I have heard that cry in my own house, it has come out of  my own lips. The pain of loosing Dan is that intense. The only thing worse then hearing this sound come out my own lips is when it comes out of my 11 year old daughters. That pain is utterly indescribable. Yesterday was three years, four months, and two ish weeks since Dan died. Horribly, suddenly he was gone. Then those guttural cries came out of everyone except Baby Girl. I don't think she knew how to make them, she was in complete and utter shock. She learned pretty fast though and we spent three years with both of us sc...